Innocent and Pure, Unlike me Chapters Nine and Ten

September:
Everything

Chapter 9
I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. “Six thirty” I thought burying my head into my pillow. I was still tired, yet I’d gone to bed around eight thirty the night before. Damn, this whole being pregnant thing makes you tired. Reluctantly I woke up anyways.
After a quick shower I picked out my clothes for the day. Today I’d wear a black short sleeved hooded sweatshirt and a bluish green tank top underneath. I’d wear my dark wash jeans, and basic black converse all stars. For jewelry I’d wear my small silver heart earrings and a silver, star necklace.
It was simple, but I wasn’t trying to make too much of an impression. Besides the short-sleeved black sweatshirt was the best thing I had for the weather to hide my recently noticed baby bump.
I brushed my hair up into a high ponytail, applied some light makeup, grabbed a granola bar to go, and I was out the door. Upperclassmen were turning their cars into the parking lot, juniors showing off who got their license over the summer, while some freshman and sophomores walked down the same block I was on. It was a small town and the high school was in walking distance for almost everyone. Middle-schoolers strolled down the block across from me. The middle school was across the street from the high school. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone while I walked to school. Everyone else just seemed so busy socializing with each other, it’s not like any of them would want to talk to me anyways. I was just a tall, skinny giant that happened to be almost 3 months pregnant.
When I opened the high school doors upperclassmen were rushing to their homerooms while the freshman gathered into the auditorium for yet another “welcome to high school” presentation. It was probably going to be the same crap they tell every freshman class starting out with the whore “These are the best four years of your life” line.
I hurried to my homeroom and found a seat near the back next to a girl with jet-black hair that stopped at her chin and pale skin. She wore a green sundress with tiny, white hearts on it.
“Do I know you?” she asked in the loud roar of the crowd.
I didn’t say anything at first since it took me a moment to realize she was actually talking to me.
“Uh, no,” I said “I’m new here.” I started fidgeting with my necklace. I always fidget around with my jewelry when I met new people.
“So, what’s you name?” she asked
“Kristen,” I said. “And you?”
“I’m Adalyn.”
We started talking, Adalyn, like most of the school had lived here her entire life. She was different though. My stomach wasn’t the first thing that caught her eye. She didn’t even mention the “p” word. We mostly talked about school. I told her about my Freshman year in Sheboygan and the crazy things Adalyn and I did together. I even mentioned Mandi and Alex. My wallet has a few photo slots in it and I always had it with me, so I decided I would show her a picture of Alex.
“He’s adorable!” she said, “It must’ve been fun babysitting such a little cutie.”
“He’s a blast,” I said putting his picture back in my Wallet “Although he can be a real pain when he throws his little tantrums. If he gets, too out of control that’s when I call his mother. But those are rare.”
Talking about Alex made me miss Mandi and Alex a little more. I loved helping Mandi with Alex. Keeping him entertained while Mandi prepared supper and Brad still at work, reading stories to Alex, trips to the playground with the three of them were all things I missed. Just talking with Mandi by herself was priceless. She always gave me someone to talk to when I couldn’t tell Alicia or my parents something. I know I can still give her a call, but that’s not the same.
I just hope Adalyn doesn’t judge me or push me away when she finds out the truth. It’s still early enough where I can still hide my little bump, but at the rate it’s growing it probably won’t be long before Adalyn and the rest of the school knows. Adalyn seems to be nice but I’m still not sure if I want to call her a friend yet.
After the upperclassmen met in homeroom we could all go to the homeroom for an assembly and after that we’d go home while the Freshman stayed at school for a full day. A motivational speaker came in to talk to us about goals and why it’s important to have them. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard, so I brought out my I-pod for Adalyn and I to listen to as we shuffled through songs.
“You like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?” Adalyn whispered to me.
“Love them,“ I replied as I shuffled through their songs on my I-pod.
“They’re my favorite!” Adalyn replied.
“Their one of mine too.” I said.
At this point the first day of school wasn’t too bad. I’d already started talking to someone, and right away I didn’t feel like I was being judged. She didn’t call me a slut or stare at my stomach, she just started talking to me, and we talked about friends and music. It would be awesome if we had lunch together. Having someone to sit with tomorrow would be great.
*********

The next day Adalyn ran up to me as I was walked out my front door.
“I didn’t know you lived so close to the high school!” She shouted.
I looked away for a moment. “Great,” I thought, “She already knows where I live, and we only met yesterday.”
I don’t know why I was so disappointed; she was the first person in the school to even say one word to me. I just wasn’t ready to start making friends. She wore another one of her lovely sundresses today. This one was blue with puffed sleeves and small polka dots in light blue. She wore a black tank top underneath and black ballet flats to match it. I had not noticed until today but Adalyn was pretty short, she had to be at almost a foot shorter than I was, but she was adorable.
“Wow,” I said I didn’t know you walked this way too.”
“I only live two bocks up the road from you.” she replied
“Interesting,” I said “For some reason I thought you lived in Colby or a few miles away, not right up the road.”
“Nah, I live right in town, but there’s a lot of people in school who live on farms and out in Colby. In order to be part of the popular you have to be either rich or a redneck,“ Adalyn Joked “I’m neither of those.”
I smirked “Neither am I, but whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I’ve lived here all my life anyways.”
Adalyn laughed, “Come on, Kristen lets get going. It’d be ridiculous to be late on the second day of school.”
“Right,.” I said as I followed behind her.
Adalyn shared one class with me, and that was Geometry. After Geometry the two of us had lunch together. When Ms. Ramey gave us our first quarter seating arrangement Adalyn and I were placed next to each other in the back row.Come lunch time we met up with her two best friends, Breann and Thani.
Breann stood about 5’6” with a slightly athletic build. Her arms were toned and the black flutter top she wore flattered her athletic shoulders very well. Her hair was a dark shade of brown, almost black, her bangs similar to Adalyn’s, but her hair draped slightly past her shoulders and curled at the ends. She was the first person to start talking at the lunch table and could always keep a conversation going. It was obvious that Breann had a thing for tattoos and piercing. A tattoo of a blue and red serpent wrapped around her forearm. She also had various other piercing like the stud in her nose and the labret in her eyebrow. Her ears were gauged to what she told me was a 2G, and she wore metal pinchers along with two more piercing on her lobes, with two different studs, and a small silver hoop earring in her left cartilage.
“Your mom let you get that?” I asked pointing to the serpent on her forearm.
“My mom owns a tattoo parlor,” she said “She thinks it’s artistic. My dad doesn’t really care for it, though. He wishes my mom would’ve waited until my 16th birthday to give me a tattoo.”
“That’s amazing,” I said “My parents would kill me if I had anything besides my ears pierced.”
“So, did it hurt?” asked Adalyn.
“A little,” Said Breann as she was abut to take a bite into her garden pizza, “But I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.”
“We all know that!” said Thani. “I bet if you had the opportunity you’d get your nipples pierced and not feel anything.”
Breann giggled a little bit. “You know I have more respect for myself than to do that!”
Thani was about the same height as Breann, except for his electric blue Mohawk that gave him a few inches on her. He still wasn’t as tall as me though. Thani was gay, and quite open about it too. If boy-crazy Breann mentioned anything about a guy she found attractive he’d either agree or disagree with her.
“So,” I asked him at lunch “Johnny Depp, what’s your opinion?”
“Eh, too old.” he said “But he sure has a nice body.”
“That man shirtless,” said Breann “I’d tap him in a heartbeat.”
For the first time, since the move I felt like I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not Adalyn, not Thani, and not even Breann. The way they welcomed me when I sat at their table was just unbelievable. Maybe there’s still time for me to find people I can confide in. I think tomorrow I’m going to get over my insecurities and wear something that isn’t so covered up. That will be my ultimate test for this new crowd of people. If Adalyn, Breann, or Thani can’t accept me because I’m pregnant than they’re not worth my time. Besides, I heard tomorrow it’s supposed to get up into the 90s anyways, and the A/C in the school hasn’t been working for the last two days either.



Chapter 10

I brought out one of my sundresses to wear to school today. It had thin spaghetti straps and was blue with small, white flowers on it, and matching white flip flops The dress wrapped around my body snugly. I even had difficulty zipping it in the back. Last summer I could easily slip that dress on, and the straps sometimes fell. I’d been the same height and only 117 lbs up until I became pregnant. Ever since I started showing I’ve gained a few pounds. My jeans that fit perfectly last year I now needed to jump into, and sweaters that buttoned perfectly had to stretch.

The one thing I enjoyed most so far about being pregnant was that I was actually gaining weight. Gaining weight was usually difficult since I have a fast metabolism, but now that I’m pregnant, I’m packing on the pounds pretty rapidly, and today I would walk the halls confidently. If anyone stared, or judged me I’d just rub it off. Well, maybe if I don’t run away and hide.
Once again Adalyn wore one of her sundresses, it was exactly like mine, only in red. And, instead of flip-flops she wore a pair of black leathery T-strap sandals. I walked to school today with her as well; only today I was less hesitant about walking with her. Maybe it was because I wasn’t in a panic about her knowing where my house was, or maybe I was starting to consider Adalyn as a friend. I didn’t know. It just felt so natural to just start walking and talking with her.
She didn’t notice my stomach at first; she just mentioned something about Thani’s boyfriend, Darren taking them to the mall in Eau Claire.
“He’s a senior, and he drives a hybrid SUV of some sort. His family is pretty rich, and his dad is friends with a guy who owns a car dealership in Minnesota, so they get somegood deals on their cars.”
I glanced at my mom’s blue Chrysler minivan, and my dad’s rusty, blue Dodge pickup truck. We’ve had the van for almost ten years, and the pick up since before I was born.
“He’s lucky,” I said “Just look at what my parents drive, not that I’m complaining.”
“Don’t feel bad, Kristen. My parents have been driving the same black Lumina for the past fifteen years. But, besides that Darren wants to go to Eau Claire to buy some new shoes. Thani’s coming with of course, but they were wondering if the two of us wanted to come with. Breann can’t, she has to work, but the two of us can, as long as you don’t have any plans.”
I really didn’t, so I said I’d ask my parents. I still had $100 from the last two times Mandi paid me before I left Sheboygan. I adjusted the strap on my backpack and looked down at the baby bump that protruded under my dress. When Adalyn mentioned that Breann had a job I was curious to know where she was working, I had to find a job, and fast. With the baby coming there’d be so many more expenses for me than before.
“Where does Breann work?” I asked as the two of us walked through the high school doors.
“This bookstore downtown, I don’t know the name of it, but they usually hire at 16, but they will take older 15 year olds if they need to. Breann said they’re looking for people if you turn 16 soon.”
“I turn 16 next month.” I replied
“It wouldn’t hurt to apply then,” Adalyn replied as we walked through the high school doors.
Students were shuffling around to their first hour classes. Thani and Breann were waiting for us by the gym.
I told the three of them that I had something important to tell them at lunch.
“What’s that?” asked Breann
“Are you moving again?” asked Thani.
“No,” I said setting my backpack down on the bench we were sitting on “You may know now, but if not I’ll tell you guys at lunch.”
“Are you….”? Adalyn trailed off as she adjusted the strap on her dress.
“Go on.” I said.
“Pregnant?” she whispered in my ear.
I nodded.
“Well, what is it?” Breann and Thani asked in unison.
“I’ll tell you guys at lunch,” I said right now we have to get to class. I stormed off to my locker, then upstairs to health class. Ms. Rahe was a calm, laid-back woman with an interesting sense of humor, but I guess that’s something you needed when you were talking to kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol. She could sometimes be a little absent-minded and usually never marked you late if you came into first hour within five minutes of the bell ringing.
“The last unit we’ll be covering,” she said as I walked in the door “is sex.”
I couldn’t have timed my entrance into class any better, or worse as I did that day. Ms. Rahe just glanced at me as the word sex rolled off her tongue. Two girls in the front row whispered back and forth to each other, I could hear the words “sex” and “pregnant” but not much else. Ms. Rahe’s eyes gazed down to my stomach.
“I’m not that far along,” I thought “But why is everyone staring already?”
I found my seat in the middle of the back row and took out my notebook.
“Today,” explained Ms. Rahe we’ll be talking about fitness and how to be healthy, and that means not snacking on those potato chips, Hayden.”
Hayden stared up at Ms. Rahe, pulling a cheddar and sour cream potato chip out of the bag. “Go ahead, Hayden” said Ms. Rahe “I’m not going to take them away from you.”
Hayden slowly brought his chips back out, and started nibbling on them. For the rest of the hour we continued discussing the fats in different kinds of food. In the middle of the hour I found myself craving some of his chips.
“Hayden, could I have a chip?” I asked.
“No problem,” said Hayden. He turned the bag in my direction and let me pull a few out of the bag. I usually didn’t care for potato chips, but today they sounded rather delicious.
Hayden was about my height and rather slender, his hair blonde and short in the back with long bangs in the front. He wore a black t-shirt with some death metal band on the front and medium was jeans with rips in the knees. I continued staring at him as I crunched on the potato chips he had handed me. Something about that boy fascinated me.
For the next ten minutes I continued gazing at Hayden who was studiously taking notes on the food pyramid. A boy like him I did not expect to pay much attention in class. He seemed like one of those kids who just wouldn’t care about school, grades, or any of that kind of stuff, especially health class. Ms. Rahe began to mention something about a project, but my focus was still on Hayden, not even my eyes moved to glance up at the front of the classroom. It wasn’t until Hayden spoke to me that I regained my focus in class.
“Do you want to be my partner?” he asked.
“For what?” I replied.
“You know, that stupid project Ms. Rahe mentioned, we have to work with another person to develop an exercise program and a diet plan.”
“Was not even paying attention.”
“You should have the rubric,” he said “Ms. Rahe just passed them down the rows shortly before everyone else shuffled about to find their best friend to work with, and I noticed you don’t have anyone to work with, and I don’t know anyone in this damn school yet.”
I was a little hesitant at first but replied with “You’re new too?”
“Just got out of Winnebago, and ended up moving to middle of nowhere Abbottsford cause that‘s where my mom‘s girlfriend lived.”
“So, you’re mom’s a les-” he stopped me in mid-sentence.
“Yeah, she’s a lesbian, got a problem?”
“No, one of my friends is actually gay.” I responded thinking about Thani.
“Anyways, about you…uh Kristen? Where did you come from?”
“Sheboygan.” I managed to squeak out. I didn’t want to think about what was being said about me back there.
“Isn’t that the city shaped like an armpit on Lake Michigan?”
I never really thought of what Sheboygan was shaped like on the map, but I managed a bit of a smile when he mentioned that. “Well, it’s on the lake,” I said “Never thought it was shaped like an armpit.
“That’s what my moms say it looks like. Two of them used to party down there all the time, and she says that there’s a bar on almost every corner.”
“I know most of them,” I say “My parents actually know a few of the bar tenders.” I glance at the rubric that was handed to us.
“She expects us to start the school year with this big of a project?” I ask.
“Guess so.” replied Hayden as he glanced at the food pyramid he had drawn in his notebook. A stack of health and fitness magazines sat on the two tables in the front of the room along with a few issues of Seventeen and Cosmo Girl that contain work out routines.
“At least there’s magazines to help us come up with workout routines and diet plans,” I explained. “Anyways how long were you living in Winnebago before you came here?”
“All seventeen years of my life, I was born there, but I’ve been in and out of treatment and correctional facilities.”
“What for? If you don’t mind me asking.” I questioned.
“Might as well be blunt about this. My mom and dad divorced when I was eight. Mom had realized she couldn’t love my father, and she preferred women. She told me that even marriage and attending church every Sunday couldn’t shake the gay out of her. Only six months after her divorce with my father she told me she was a lesbian. I was almost nine, and at that time she’d met Melanie who lived right here in Abbottsford. Kids gave me a lot of shit for having two moms, and some parents forbid me from playing with their children. Many taunted me, asked if I was a fag, went around saying I didn’t have a penis, even calling me pussy boy. I’d shrug it off like it was nothing, but inside I was hurting. I didn’t know whether I should be sad or angry. Whether I should hate the kids at school or my mom and her girlfriend.
In fourth grade my grades started to suffer. The last thing I cared about was school. I was always worried about what the other kids would do or say to me. My teachers would try talking to me, but I was afraid to mention anything. It was just so uncomfortable, and I was afraid they too would have a problem with my mom’s lifestyle. In fact, one day in fourth grade this little bastard who say behind me in class told me I was going to hell because if my mom was gay so was I, and I lost it. I remember turning around, picking the kid up under his armpits and throwing him into the closet door next to our desks. I told him he was going to hell for being an asshole, and calling the rest of the kids in my class whatever four-letter word I could think of, and tossing my history textbook to the ground. I threw pens and pencils at my teacher and the rest of the class; tore other people’s assignments into pieces. If I made anyone cry I didn’t feel a single ounce of guilt, even called my teacher an ignorant cunt. I’ve never been a fan of that word, but at that time it just rolled right of my tongue. I could tell that was the final straw for my teacher when she yanked my arm and marched me down to the principal’s office. I knew if was in a lot of trouble, but I told them they couldn’t do a damn thing about me. I was suspended for a week, and reluctantly had to write an apology letter to the kid I threw, my teacher and the principle. Sure the letters sounded sweet and sincere but they were all lies and bullshit I made up to please them.
Fifth grade didn’t get any better. When I was 10 I started smoking because some boys from the middle school threatened to chop my dick off if I didn’t. Since then I’ve been unable to quit. I started stealing, first merchandise, and then cars. By the time I was eleven I had been in Juvi twice. I was binge drinking at least twice a week, popping pills and experimenting with heavy drugs like cocaine and heroin. I’d smoke pot whenever I could afford it, stealing money from my mom’s wallet, or Melanie’s if she was over. I was so angry I couldn’t explain anything. Mom tired taking me to counseling but I was too stubborn to speak, just walking into the therapist’s office made me crave a cigarette.
Since the therapy wasn’t working they sent me to live in a home in Wittenberg, but after I stole a van and started driving back to Winnebago I was sent to Lincoln Hills where I stayed until I was 14.I snuck some pills and whiskey onto the premises along with a sharp blade that I kept in a hidden pocket in my winter jacket. Once all lights were out and everyone else was asleep I brought out a bottle of Jack Daniels from the inside of my jacket and started to chug it as fast as I could. I chased down two ecstasies and about five Vikeden, and an anti-depressant with the bottle of whiskey that I followed with another bottle of Jack. If that didn’t kill me I had my good friend, the razor blade.
After the pills and the alcohol I was still conscious but my stomach started to feel queasy. I could feel the vomit crawling up my throat. I feared that whoever was working the nightshift in the halls might become suspicious if I they saw me rushing towards the bathroom, so I cracked open my window and let it all out to the ground beneath my window.
Within minutes of puking my brains out, my hand weakly fumbled towards my opposite wrist, but before the blade could touch it I went unconscious. I don’t remember much after that, but I remembered waking up at a hospital in Merrill. Melanie stood by my bedside, my mom holding onto her hand tightly. I could see her wiping a tear from her face. I was told that the woman working the nightshift had found me around 2AM unconscious on my floor with both bottles of whiskey at my side, and the doctors had explained that I’d went unconscious around 10:30 that night, and if the nightshift lady hadn’t found me when she did I’d probably be dead. For the fifth time in my life I had to have my stomach pumped because of all the pills I had taken. I was irritated with the doctors for not letting me die since that’s all I wanted.
Finally, after that entire trauma I was sent to the mental hospital back in Winnebago where they diagnosed me with anti-social personality disorder and severe depression. I was placed on high dosage anti-depressants and anti-psychotics which I still take, and spent almost two years in Winnebago getting treatment.”
I was so busy listening to what he had to say that I didn’t ask a single question until he finished telling me everything.
“How are you doing now?” I asked.
“Much better than I was three years ago. When they first sent me back to Winnebago I tried to overdose on my medications, but I got in trouble, and I didn’t speak at group therapy sessions for the first six months I was there. But now I’m much better. Like I said I still take my pills, but in a lower dosage, and I still go to therapy sessions to work things out. But, other than that I’ve learned to love and accept my mom and Melanie for who they are, and not let other’s opinions bring me down, and I still visit my father once a month although we’re not very close. He took the divorce pretty hard.”
“I can understand why, I mean you didn’t take the transition well either.” I looked up at the rest of the class. Groups of students were running their magazines back to the tables in front. Looking up at the clock I realized we had only a minute left of class. Time went by pretty quick listening to Hayden tell me about his life. He might’ve been a former bad boy, but he had that spark about him that just fascinated me. The bell rang.
“See you in class tomorrow?” he asked.
I nodded as I strolled off to Algebra to meet up with Adalyn. Shortly before the bell rang Adalyn asked me who my baby’s father was.
“The truth is,” I explained as I signed my name in my textbook “I don’t know.”
Adalyn took a pen out of her pencil case “What do you mean you don’t know,” asked Adalyn “Did you like to mess around? Were you raped?”
“The second one.” I whispered
“Oh my gosh!” she said in a loud whisper, her fingertips pressed against her bottom lip.
“So, are you keeping it or putting it up for adoption?” she asked again
“Keeping it.” I said as I opened my textbook to the page that Ms Ramey had written on the board.
“I’ll talk more at lunch,” I whispered, “I don’t want Ramey yelling at us!”
I hated having math right before lunch, especially with Ms. Ramey. She always spoke in such a soft, and monotonous voice, that could make just about anyone fall asleep in her class. She was older, and a little uptight. Everything was done her way and that was the only way. When she had me solve a math problem on the dry-erase board yesterday she was a little irritated. Although I got the problem right, I did not solve it the way she taught us to solve it. Teachers like her just make me want to get up and do the teaching.
A juniore that sat in front of me whispered, “Why can’t that hag just retire?”
I’d assumed he had her for Geometry last year. I nodded in agreement as I sat at my desk with my right hand on my chin, trying not to fall asleep. I started nodding off and Adalyn tapped me on the shoulder.
“What?” I’m up,” I whispered “She’s just so boring and my early-pregnancy fatigue isn’t helping.”
That hour I spent more time staring up at the clock instead of facing the dry-erase board. Finally the lunch bell rang. Adalyn and I hurried off to lunch to meet up with Breann and Thani.
“So, what’s the big news?” Thani asked as he opened his brown, paper lunch bag.
“Before I moved here,” I explained “Something happened, and…” Breann cut me off.
“Was it bad?”
“I’m getting to that.” I said, “I went to this party. There was alcohol, and I hadn’t drank before.”
“I’m guessing you drank at the party?” Adalyn asked.
I nodded “It was Jack and coke, and I had to go to the bathroom so I gave my drink to someone I thought was my friend.”
“They weren’t much of a friend, were they?” Thani asked
“Not exactly,” I replied “I think she put something in my drink, cause after I came back from the bathroom I don’t remember anything, but I woke upin an unfamiliar room, in a bed. I was next to a guy I did not know in just a t-shirt, and I saw pills on the night table beside me.”
“So,” Breann asked, “You’re trying to tell us that you were ra-.”
“Yes,” I said bowing my head down. “And I’m three months pregnant.”
“Oh my,” Breann said, “Do you know who the father is?”
I shook my head.
“Well if there’s one thing I hate it’s rapists. I don’t like people who molest children or beat women.”
I could feel a tear running down my face as I wrapped my arms around Breann.
“It’s okay,” she said as she hugged me back “We’ll find out who the asshole is that hurt you.”
“Will you guys reject me?” I asked as I picked up a napkin from my tray to wipe my tears.
“Not at all,” said Thani “I like guys and I’ve been best friends with these two ladies since grade school! Do you see them kicking me to the curb? No!”
“But being gay is different from being pregnant,” I said “Even though both affect you for the rest of your life.”
“It’s okay, really,” said Adalyn “I mean it’s not okay that some jackass raped you. Bad things just happen to good people. Did you say no?”
“I don’t know,” I explained “Like I said I was under the influence.”
“You still didn’t give consent,” Breann explained, “Once you find out who this jerk is you can press charges.”
“That’s what I’d like to do,” I explained “But the only evidence I have is that I am pregnant.”
“You’re still a minor though we all are” Chimed in Adalyn “Having sex with a minor with or without consent is still statutory rape, and the fact that you’re pregnant might just be enough to prove he’s guilty.”
“I really hope so.” I said.
No matter what my past is I have friends who won’t judge me .Alicia, Mandi, Brad, Alex, Adalyn, Breann, Thani, you’re the greatest friends I could ever ask for. I should’ve mentioned Hayden at lunch, but I wasn’t quite ready to mention my interest in him. He fascinated me, and his voice gave me a warm, comforting feeling. Could this mean that I like him? I don’t know? What does it feel like to fall for someone? This is not a feeling I’ve ever experienced, so I don’t know what to think, say or do. I only noticed him today, and I could not tell whether my heart skipped a beat, but for most of health class I found my eyes glued to him. He may have been a bad boy, but he’s changed, and he’s still changing. Still a smoker, but he says it’s a bitch to quit. I would not know, only because I have not tried it. I wonder if e would make me try if we were to become more than friends, or maybe he wouldn’t because he would not want me to become addicted. But, love; I’d truly like to know what it feels like to love and be loved platonically.
If I wasn’t drugged at that party I would’ve remembered love is not just about sex. I didn’t know who raped me, and certainly I did not love them. I know how to love my family and friends, but that kind of love is different . What I don’t know is how to fall in love with a boy. Maybe it just happens?