Chapter 11
Hayden and I finally got a start on our health project today. While I studied his food pyramid and read about what to eat and avoid in Seventeen, Hayden glanced through a fitness magazine where he searched for effective exercise routines along with health factoids. The two of us, although working on our project could not help but glance up at each other. We’d joke that we were only looking over to see what the other person was reading, but in reality I was staring at him. For being a former bad boy Hayden had quite the charming smile. I’m not sure if he was looking at me in the same way, but I found myself wondering what he saw in me, whether he looked up at me for the same reasons I did, or was staring down at my baby belly. By now it wasn’t that easy to hide that I was pregnant.
My first ultrasound is coming up next week already. For the first time I would be able to see the baby move, and what it looks like. I’m not going to know the gender for a few more weeks, but just seeing my baby move is going to be exciting. I wonder how Hayden feels about the fact that I’m having a baby. Great, I think I’m hoping that he’ll ask me out. I have my doubts about that happening. Most guys don’t go for pregnant chicks anyways. They’re afraid of taking on the responsibility of fatherhood, especially when the kid does not belong to them.
“This is getting kind of boring,” Hayden said “I want to know your story, Kristen. You seem like an interesting person.”
“But what if my story is boring. What if I‘m just some ordinary girl with no life?” I look down and gently rub my baby bump, then back up at Hayden.
“I told you my story yesterday,” he said “Why don’t you tell me yours.”
Since my situation was partially Cassidy and Kateena’s fault I started off explaining my background with them followed by the party, and the rape that took place at that party.
“You know who the fucker that did this to you is?” asked Hayden.
“I was drugged, Hayden. I really don’t remember that much of what happened that night. It’s terrible, I know. You must think I’m an irresponsible slut.”
“Not at all,” he explained, “Hell, I’m not perfect either.”
“But I was a virgin before that night.” I said opening up my magazine again.
“Bad things happen,” he explained “The first time I lost my virginity wasn’t pleasant either, but one thing I know is that I’ve always had a strong hatred for pedophiles, sex offenders, and homophobes as well. They all should just die.”
Usually I was never this open with someone I had just met, but with Hayden it was different. When he started to speak to me I felt that I could warm up to him right away. He was easy to talk to, sarcastic, charming, and witty. I felt I could just let out all my problems to him, even if it was in the middle of first hour health class. During third hour I would tell Adalyn about Hayden.
Adalyn was already in her desk when I entered Mrs. Ramey’s room. I took my seat and set my assignment on my desk for her to check. Adalyn turned towards me to ask, “How’s the day been treating you so far?”
“Hard to say, I think I’m falling for someone in my health class.”
“What’s his name?” asked Adalyn as she took out her math notebook.
“When did I say this person was a guy?” I joked.
Adalyn paused for a moment “You mean…”
“I’m kidding, Adalyn. It’s a guy. Hayden’s his name; I think his last name is Fisher-Clark. I’m not sure, but I know it’s something like that. It’s one of those hyphenated names. You know him?”
“Doesn’t sound familiar.” replied Adalyn as Mrs. Ramey entered the room.
“I’ll tell you more about him at lunch.” Adalyn nodded giving the okay symbol.
********
The two of us met up with Breann and Thani as we got into the lunch line. Breann grabbed her usual veggie burger, (except on Wednesdays when they had garden pizza), Adalyn and Thani each had some sort of chicken bake, and I had spaghetti without meatballs. I’m not a vegetarian like Breann; I just have issues trusting meat at school. For some reason it frightens me.
“So, about Hayden,” Adalyn continued.
“Is Kristen after a piece of man candy?” gushed Thani.
I turned away for a moment as I slurped a few of the spaghetti noodles on my plate.
“In a way,” I explained, “He’s a former bad boy from Winnebago, and I can’t take my eyes off of him.”
“He have lunch this hour?” asked Breann about to take a bite out of her veggie burger.
“I don’t know,” I replied “We just started talking yesterday, and the two of us end up having some serious and pretty interesting conversations during health class. But I have to ask, do any of you know what it feels like to fall for someone, like does your heart skip a beat, or is there like some sort of spark between the two of you?”
“You can’t really define that, Kristen. Darren and I just kind of clicked, and we’ve been together for almost six months already.”
“Speaking of Darren,” Adalyn asked “Are we still going up to Eau Claire tonight?”
“As far as I know it’s still on. We’re meeting by his car right after school.”
“Too bad I have to work.” groaned Breann sipping some chocolate milk through a straw.
“Hey, Breann what’s the name of the place you work at?” I asked “I need to find a job and soon.”
“It‘s a bookstore downtown. It‘s the only one around here. They pay pretty well too. $7.00 an hour for 15&16 year olds, and we could really use another person up front. I’ll let my boss know you’re interested when I go into work tonight.”
“Thanks, Breann. I could really use the money, especially with this new baby on the way.”
“No problem,” said Breann “Like I said we could use another person in front.”
“Thani,” I asked “You think your boyfriend could stop at my house before we leave? I have to get my money.”
“I don’t think it’ll be a problem,” he replied “Where do you live?”
“Just a few blocks from the high school.”
“Not a problem.”
I didn’t want to forget my wallet that contained two crisp fifty-dollar bills. I didn’t know what I was going to buy, but $100 was a decent chunk of money. I’d probably buy a few baby things, but not too many since I don’t know the gender yet, and possibly a few more pairs of sweatpants.
I really think Thani has something good going for him with Darren. Sure he has a lot of money, nice things, and a beautiful house out in the country, but he’s so fun and down to earth. The entire trip was spent laughing, joking, and pretty much having a good time. Darren and Thani talked about Adalyn’s last birthday when the two of them claimed to have sex on her bed and how she started spazzing out. Adalyn told me the story of how she set up Thani with Darren. He was one of her older brothers friends who happened to be gay, and Adalyn’s brother knew that Darren and Thani had a lot of common interests. They were both perfect gentleman, had similar taste in clothes and music, and both we’re single and searching for someone to complete each other. Adalyn and her brother had set the two of them on a blind date on Valentines Day. Since then Darren and Thani have been inseparable.
Once at the mall the four of us ordered bourbon chicken for dinner at the Mongolian BBQ place. After we had some food the four of us made our first stop at Journeys where Darren wanted to buy a new pair of Kangaroos. They were dark green with gray kangaroo logos and zippers. I picked out a few more maternity clothes and let the guys critique me on what looked the best. My favorite item I bought was a sheer white baby doll top with gray and black flowers and a ruffle trim on the v-neck. I also picked up a few pairs of figure forming sweatpants along with a stuffed bear for the baby. It was a white bear with a yellow ribbon around its neck that had “Baby’s first teddy bear” embroidered in yellow on the front of it.
When we got home from the Mall the boys dropped Adalyn and I off at my house. Adalyn had bought a chai tea latte mix at a tea place in the mall and the two of us wanted to make some. I suggested Adalyn come over to my house to meet my family. I’ sure my mom would feel better about her than she felt about Cassidy, and I was right.
“You should come over more.” I heard my mom say to her when she handed her one of our chai tea lattes.
“I want one too,” said my little sister.
“I don’t know if you’re going to like this.” I said to her.
“Can have a little sip?”
I let Patricia have a taste of mine.
“It smells like pumpkin pie!” she said “Mom can I have one?”
“Only a small one, dear. It’s getting close to bedtime.”
I poured some of mine into a smaller glass for my little sister.
“She’s a cutie,” said Adalyn.
“Not always,” I replied, “Sometimes she can be a real pain.”
After giving Patricia some of the latte I brought Adalyn up to my room. I showed her the items I bought for the baby when my mom and I went shopping, including the socks and some pictures of my friends back in Sheboygan. She’d already seen Mandi’s son Alex, but se hadn’t seen Mandi, Brad, or Alicia. I first pulled out a picture of Mandi and I from last summer. It’s so amusing that I stand about ten inches taller than her. She was wearing one of Brad’s band t-shirts in this picture and her reddish-purple hair was down in loose curls that draped an inch past her shoulders. Her long bangs were combed to the side. The only picture I had of Brad was a family picture taken of them last year with his shaggy blonde hair. I had Alicia’s school picture in my room. She’s so photogenic, and that is something I am envious of. That day she wore her hair down and curly with a denim jacket with a green and white polka dot wife beater underneath. The two of us continued sharing stories until around 10:00PM when Alicia had to go home.
Chapter 12
My mom picked me up from school at noon today for my ultrasound appointment. Right now the baby sort-of looks like a jellybean, so for the time being I’ve decided to call it Jellybean. Just seeing my baby moving it’s mouth, hands, and feet was one amazing. It gave me the security that jelly bean was okay.
The doctor, Dr. Natalie Ebben took a blood sample from me to test for possibly complications. So far the only real concern she had was my age, since I’m just 15 and still growing. I’ve had no difficulty gaining baby weight, so hopefully that’s a good thing, and enough nutrients are entering the womb. Like most parents I don’t care what my baby’s gender is, as long as it’s healthy, although I have a feeling I’m going to have a girl.
By the way, Hayden and I actually got our project done in class today. We still talked and I mentioned that I would have my first ultrasound today. He told me that he really wants to see the pictures. I wonder if that means something? Or maybe he just wants to see what a fetus looks like en-utero. Speaking of Hayden I was listening to the radio when my mom was driving me to my appointment. A song came on the radio, it was the newest one by Celine Dion, I think it’s called “Taking Chances” but, I took a good listen to the words of the song, and I realized how well Hayden and I (or at least I) could relate to that song. I’m not sure how Hayden feels about me, but even tough I just met him I think I want to take a chance with him, I’m just waiting for him to make the first move. Listening to that song almost brought me to tears. I could not look at my mom for a moment; I didn’t want her to see me cry over a boy and a song, although I’d probably just blame it on the pregnancy. I find myself relating to the entire song, but there’s one section in particular I can relate to me, as well as the chorus:
You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,
Chorus:
But what do you say to taking chances,
what do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?
There’s a talent show in December for the holidays, and I’m thinking I might audition with this song whether things do or do not work out with Hayden. I continuously find that he’s on my mind, and I can’t erase his picture. Maybe I am falling for him? Scratch that. I AM falling for him! Neither of us has made a move, but I’ve already picked out a song for the two of us, and it’s so perfect for our possible relationship.
After my appointment my mom dropped me off at home and left to pick up my sister. I decided to go upstairs to my bedroom and call Mandi. The phone rang twice before she answered.
“Hello?” Mandi Answered.
“It’s Kristen.” I replied.
“What’s up, girl. I haven’t talked to you since you left Sheboygan.’’
“I had my first ultrasound today,” I explained “My baby reminds me of a jelly bean.”
“Aw, I better get to see pictures!” Mandi replied
“You will, but you have to come and visit me!” I said.
“Gas isn’t cheap, but we’ll plan a trip. I’ll even bring Alicia.”
“You know I’d love for the two of you to come up here. It’s a quiet little town, but the people I’ve met so far have been warm and friendly.”
“That’s good, anyways officer Smith stopped over by my house yesterday to talk to Brad and I. She’s talked to Jake, Cassidy, Kateena, and Mario. Mario admits he did mess around with you, but he didn’t say whether he had sex with you, but Jake Cassidy, and Kateena won’t say shit. Brad only knew Jake, Derek, and Adam at that party, but she’s going to talk to the two of them, and she wanted me to give her your new number, so thanks for calling! It’s now in my caller ID.”
“Guess I made perfect timing.” I replied
“You sure did, Kristen. Officer Smith is going to explain what she had to you tomorrow after Derek and Adam talk to her. We’re hoping they know some things that might lead us to the other two guys that raped you.”
“I really hope they can give her some answers. I just want this whole ordeal to be over, so I can raise my baby in a happy and healthy environment.”
“I’m hoping for that too,” Mandi said “Well, I have to get ready for work. Alicia has off, so she’s going to watch Alex tonight. I’ll tell her to call you.”
“Thanks,” I said “Bye”
“Talk to you later, Kristen,” I closed my cell phone and put it in my pocket.
I heard my calling for me when I got off the phone.
“Kristen! Supper’s ready!” she yelled
“Be down in a second,” I replied as I hurried down the stairs.
We were having chicken potpie with a side of mashed potatoes. I pulled out a chair and sat next to Patricia at the kitchen table.
Mommy, can I go over to Kenzie and Levi’s after supper?” asked Patricia.
“As long as you’re home by seven,” My mom said as she picked up a bite of pie with her fork.
“Just got off the phone with Mandi,” I said “About two weeks before we moved Mandi and I reported what happened to the police.”
“Kristen, you know the Sheboygan police are damn near useless.”
“It was officer Smith, the one who helped put the out of state sex offender behind bars.”
“Okay, I know who you’re talking about now, but how come you didn’t tell me?”
“I was scared. I didn’t know what you’d do.”
“Kristen, I’m proud of you for reporting this.”
“But, anyways,” I continued, “Mandi told her she’d give her my new number. She wants to talk to me tomorrow. She’s already interviewed Cassidy, Kateena, Jake, Mario, Brad, and Mandi she’s going to talk to Adam and Derek his two friends that were at the party, and she’s going to get back to me with what they said. She told me Cassidy, Kateena, and Jake didn’t say much, but Mario admitted to messing around with me, although he says he did not rape me. We’re hoping Adam and Derek, Brad’s friends could provide some more information.”
“Did either of them touch you, Derek and Adam?” my mom asked
“No, Brad actually picked them up before anything happened, but they know more of the people who were at the party than Brad does.”
“That should be helpful, having some names to narrow down. But, unfortunately they won’t be able to do a paternity test after the baby is born.”
“What’s a paternity test?” Patricia asked.
My mom hesitated for a moment “How do I start this,” she replied “Okay, it’s used when a woman has shared a bed with more than one man and if she has a baby with one of them it’s used to find out which one is the baby’s daddy.”
“You mean, more than one man hurt my big sister?” Patricia asked in a snarl.
“Unfortunatley.” My mom said.
“Stupid heads,” My sister replied, “Can I go next door now?”
“Yes, Patricia, be home in two hours,” my mom said “If it’s too dark have Lindsey walk you home.”
“Okay mommy. I love you, bye.”
“Bye Sweetie.” My mom replied as Patricia walked out the door.
I heard the phone ring and Alicia’s cell number showed up on the caller ID. I pressed the talk button and ran up stairs.
“Hey, Kristen,” she said “I heard you got your first ultrasound today. How’d that go?”
“Pretty good,” I replied, “So, what are you up to right now?”
“I just made supper for me and Alex. Mandi told you I was watching him tonight.”
“Yeah, she did,” I replied “You hear anything new about the party?”
“Not really. But, most of the school knows your pregnant now. Cassidy and Kateena have told everyone, and they’re not saying you were raped either. They told me at lunch the other day that you wanted it, and that you deserved what happened to you. That really struck a nerve in me, so I started cussing them out and punched Kateena in the face. She has a black eye now, and I have an in school suspension until Friday.”
“Alicia,” I asked in shock “You actually punched Kateena Wilson in the face?”
“She was starting shit about my best friend. I wasn’t going to put up with it. And the fact that she said you deserved to be raped really irked me.”
“I can see why,” I replied “Thanks for sticking up for me even though I wasn’t there. I would’ve loved to see you wail on the two of them.”
“Hell, if you were there Kristen I’d knock Kateena unconscious then pin down Cassidy and let you beat her to a bloody pulp. But then the two of us would’ve gotten at least an out of school suspension, but those bitches deserve that for saying you deserved to be raped. No one deserves that. Not even them. But, you can’t rape the willing.”
I laughed “At least unlike them we have morals and standards. I know a lot of people frown on me for choosing to be a teenage mom, but I made a mistake going to that party and I have to live with it. I have to get those assholes locked up and jail and give my baby the best life I can.”
“Speaking you your baby, when do you find out what you’re having?”
“My next ultrasound is November 3rd at 2:30PM.”
“Call me when you find out!”
“I will definetly call you. You and Mandi should really come up here sometime. It’s beautiful and a lot of the people I’ve met have been wonderful.”
“I’ll bring it up when Mandi gets home. I have to go and get Alex ready for bed.”
“Alright, Bye Alicia.”
“Bye,” I said as I clicked off the phone.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Innocent and Pure, Unlike me Chapters Nine and Ten
September:
Everything
Chapter 9
I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. “Six thirty” I thought burying my head into my pillow. I was still tired, yet I’d gone to bed around eight thirty the night before. Damn, this whole being pregnant thing makes you tired. Reluctantly I woke up anyways.
After a quick shower I picked out my clothes for the day. Today I’d wear a black short sleeved hooded sweatshirt and a bluish green tank top underneath. I’d wear my dark wash jeans, and basic black converse all stars. For jewelry I’d wear my small silver heart earrings and a silver, star necklace.
It was simple, but I wasn’t trying to make too much of an impression. Besides the short-sleeved black sweatshirt was the best thing I had for the weather to hide my recently noticed baby bump.
I brushed my hair up into a high ponytail, applied some light makeup, grabbed a granola bar to go, and I was out the door. Upperclassmen were turning their cars into the parking lot, juniors showing off who got their license over the summer, while some freshman and sophomores walked down the same block I was on. It was a small town and the high school was in walking distance for almost everyone. Middle-schoolers strolled down the block across from me. The middle school was across the street from the high school. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone while I walked to school. Everyone else just seemed so busy socializing with each other, it’s not like any of them would want to talk to me anyways. I was just a tall, skinny giant that happened to be almost 3 months pregnant.
When I opened the high school doors upperclassmen were rushing to their homerooms while the freshman gathered into the auditorium for yet another “welcome to high school” presentation. It was probably going to be the same crap they tell every freshman class starting out with the whore “These are the best four years of your life” line.
I hurried to my homeroom and found a seat near the back next to a girl with jet-black hair that stopped at her chin and pale skin. She wore a green sundress with tiny, white hearts on it.
“Do I know you?” she asked in the loud roar of the crowd.
I didn’t say anything at first since it took me a moment to realize she was actually talking to me.
“Uh, no,” I said “I’m new here.” I started fidgeting with my necklace. I always fidget around with my jewelry when I met new people.
“So, what’s you name?” she asked
“Kristen,” I said. “And you?”
“I’m Adalyn.”
We started talking, Adalyn, like most of the school had lived here her entire life. She was different though. My stomach wasn’t the first thing that caught her eye. She didn’t even mention the “p” word. We mostly talked about school. I told her about my Freshman year in Sheboygan and the crazy things Adalyn and I did together. I even mentioned Mandi and Alex. My wallet has a few photo slots in it and I always had it with me, so I decided I would show her a picture of Alex.
“He’s adorable!” she said, “It must’ve been fun babysitting such a little cutie.”
“He’s a blast,” I said putting his picture back in my Wallet “Although he can be a real pain when he throws his little tantrums. If he gets, too out of control that’s when I call his mother. But those are rare.”
Talking about Alex made me miss Mandi and Alex a little more. I loved helping Mandi with Alex. Keeping him entertained while Mandi prepared supper and Brad still at work, reading stories to Alex, trips to the playground with the three of them were all things I missed. Just talking with Mandi by herself was priceless. She always gave me someone to talk to when I couldn’t tell Alicia or my parents something. I know I can still give her a call, but that’s not the same.
I just hope Adalyn doesn’t judge me or push me away when she finds out the truth. It’s still early enough where I can still hide my little bump, but at the rate it’s growing it probably won’t be long before Adalyn and the rest of the school knows. Adalyn seems to be nice but I’m still not sure if I want to call her a friend yet.
After the upperclassmen met in homeroom we could all go to the homeroom for an assembly and after that we’d go home while the Freshman stayed at school for a full day. A motivational speaker came in to talk to us about goals and why it’s important to have them. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard, so I brought out my I-pod for Adalyn and I to listen to as we shuffled through songs.
“You like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?” Adalyn whispered to me.
“Love them,“ I replied as I shuffled through their songs on my I-pod.
“They’re my favorite!” Adalyn replied.
“Their one of mine too.” I said.
At this point the first day of school wasn’t too bad. I’d already started talking to someone, and right away I didn’t feel like I was being judged. She didn’t call me a slut or stare at my stomach, she just started talking to me, and we talked about friends and music. It would be awesome if we had lunch together. Having someone to sit with tomorrow would be great.
*********
The next day Adalyn ran up to me as I was walked out my front door.
“I didn’t know you lived so close to the high school!” She shouted.
I looked away for a moment. “Great,” I thought, “She already knows where I live, and we only met yesterday.”
I don’t know why I was so disappointed; she was the first person in the school to even say one word to me. I just wasn’t ready to start making friends. She wore another one of her lovely sundresses today. This one was blue with puffed sleeves and small polka dots in light blue. She wore a black tank top underneath and black ballet flats to match it. I had not noticed until today but Adalyn was pretty short, she had to be at almost a foot shorter than I was, but she was adorable.
“Wow,” I said I didn’t know you walked this way too.”
“I only live two bocks up the road from you.” she replied
“Interesting,” I said “For some reason I thought you lived in Colby or a few miles away, not right up the road.”
“Nah, I live right in town, but there’s a lot of people in school who live on farms and out in Colby. In order to be part of the popular you have to be either rich or a redneck,“ Adalyn Joked “I’m neither of those.”
I smirked “Neither am I, but whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I’ve lived here all my life anyways.”
Adalyn laughed, “Come on, Kristen lets get going. It’d be ridiculous to be late on the second day of school.”
“Right,.” I said as I followed behind her.
Adalyn shared one class with me, and that was Geometry. After Geometry the two of us had lunch together. When Ms. Ramey gave us our first quarter seating arrangement Adalyn and I were placed next to each other in the back row.Come lunch time we met up with her two best friends, Breann and Thani.
Breann stood about 5’6” with a slightly athletic build. Her arms were toned and the black flutter top she wore flattered her athletic shoulders very well. Her hair was a dark shade of brown, almost black, her bangs similar to Adalyn’s, but her hair draped slightly past her shoulders and curled at the ends. She was the first person to start talking at the lunch table and could always keep a conversation going. It was obvious that Breann had a thing for tattoos and piercing. A tattoo of a blue and red serpent wrapped around her forearm. She also had various other piercing like the stud in her nose and the labret in her eyebrow. Her ears were gauged to what she told me was a 2G, and she wore metal pinchers along with two more piercing on her lobes, with two different studs, and a small silver hoop earring in her left cartilage.
“Your mom let you get that?” I asked pointing to the serpent on her forearm.
“My mom owns a tattoo parlor,” she said “She thinks it’s artistic. My dad doesn’t really care for it, though. He wishes my mom would’ve waited until my 16th birthday to give me a tattoo.”
“That’s amazing,” I said “My parents would kill me if I had anything besides my ears pierced.”
“So, did it hurt?” asked Adalyn.
“A little,” Said Breann as she was abut to take a bite into her garden pizza, “But I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.”
“We all know that!” said Thani. “I bet if you had the opportunity you’d get your nipples pierced and not feel anything.”
Breann giggled a little bit. “You know I have more respect for myself than to do that!”
Thani was about the same height as Breann, except for his electric blue Mohawk that gave him a few inches on her. He still wasn’t as tall as me though. Thani was gay, and quite open about it too. If boy-crazy Breann mentioned anything about a guy she found attractive he’d either agree or disagree with her.
“So,” I asked him at lunch “Johnny Depp, what’s your opinion?”
“Eh, too old.” he said “But he sure has a nice body.”
“That man shirtless,” said Breann “I’d tap him in a heartbeat.”
For the first time, since the move I felt like I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not Adalyn, not Thani, and not even Breann. The way they welcomed me when I sat at their table was just unbelievable. Maybe there’s still time for me to find people I can confide in. I think tomorrow I’m going to get over my insecurities and wear something that isn’t so covered up. That will be my ultimate test for this new crowd of people. If Adalyn, Breann, or Thani can’t accept me because I’m pregnant than they’re not worth my time. Besides, I heard tomorrow it’s supposed to get up into the 90s anyways, and the A/C in the school hasn’t been working for the last two days either.
Chapter 10
I brought out one of my sundresses to wear to school today. It had thin spaghetti straps and was blue with small, white flowers on it, and matching white flip flops The dress wrapped around my body snugly. I even had difficulty zipping it in the back. Last summer I could easily slip that dress on, and the straps sometimes fell. I’d been the same height and only 117 lbs up until I became pregnant. Ever since I started showing I’ve gained a few pounds. My jeans that fit perfectly last year I now needed to jump into, and sweaters that buttoned perfectly had to stretch.
The one thing I enjoyed most so far about being pregnant was that I was actually gaining weight. Gaining weight was usually difficult since I have a fast metabolism, but now that I’m pregnant, I’m packing on the pounds pretty rapidly, and today I would walk the halls confidently. If anyone stared, or judged me I’d just rub it off. Well, maybe if I don’t run away and hide.
Once again Adalyn wore one of her sundresses, it was exactly like mine, only in red. And, instead of flip-flops she wore a pair of black leathery T-strap sandals. I walked to school today with her as well; only today I was less hesitant about walking with her. Maybe it was because I wasn’t in a panic about her knowing where my house was, or maybe I was starting to consider Adalyn as a friend. I didn’t know. It just felt so natural to just start walking and talking with her.
She didn’t notice my stomach at first; she just mentioned something about Thani’s boyfriend, Darren taking them to the mall in Eau Claire.
“He’s a senior, and he drives a hybrid SUV of some sort. His family is pretty rich, and his dad is friends with a guy who owns a car dealership in Minnesota, so they get somegood deals on their cars.”
I glanced at my mom’s blue Chrysler minivan, and my dad’s rusty, blue Dodge pickup truck. We’ve had the van for almost ten years, and the pick up since before I was born.
“He’s lucky,” I said “Just look at what my parents drive, not that I’m complaining.”
“Don’t feel bad, Kristen. My parents have been driving the same black Lumina for the past fifteen years. But, besides that Darren wants to go to Eau Claire to buy some new shoes. Thani’s coming with of course, but they were wondering if the two of us wanted to come with. Breann can’t, she has to work, but the two of us can, as long as you don’t have any plans.”
I really didn’t, so I said I’d ask my parents. I still had $100 from the last two times Mandi paid me before I left Sheboygan. I adjusted the strap on my backpack and looked down at the baby bump that protruded under my dress. When Adalyn mentioned that Breann had a job I was curious to know where she was working, I had to find a job, and fast. With the baby coming there’d be so many more expenses for me than before.
“Where does Breann work?” I asked as the two of us walked through the high school doors.
“This bookstore downtown, I don’t know the name of it, but they usually hire at 16, but they will take older 15 year olds if they need to. Breann said they’re looking for people if you turn 16 soon.”
“I turn 16 next month.” I replied
“It wouldn’t hurt to apply then,” Adalyn replied as we walked through the high school doors.
Students were shuffling around to their first hour classes. Thani and Breann were waiting for us by the gym.
I told the three of them that I had something important to tell them at lunch.
“What’s that?” asked Breann
“Are you moving again?” asked Thani.
“No,” I said setting my backpack down on the bench we were sitting on “You may know now, but if not I’ll tell you guys at lunch.”
“Are you….”? Adalyn trailed off as she adjusted the strap on her dress.
“Go on.” I said.
“Pregnant?” she whispered in my ear.
I nodded.
“Well, what is it?” Breann and Thani asked in unison.
“I’ll tell you guys at lunch,” I said right now we have to get to class. I stormed off to my locker, then upstairs to health class. Ms. Rahe was a calm, laid-back woman with an interesting sense of humor, but I guess that’s something you needed when you were talking to kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol. She could sometimes be a little absent-minded and usually never marked you late if you came into first hour within five minutes of the bell ringing.
“The last unit we’ll be covering,” she said as I walked in the door “is sex.”
I couldn’t have timed my entrance into class any better, or worse as I did that day. Ms. Rahe just glanced at me as the word sex rolled off her tongue. Two girls in the front row whispered back and forth to each other, I could hear the words “sex” and “pregnant” but not much else. Ms. Rahe’s eyes gazed down to my stomach.
“I’m not that far along,” I thought “But why is everyone staring already?”
I found my seat in the middle of the back row and took out my notebook.
“Today,” explained Ms. Rahe we’ll be talking about fitness and how to be healthy, and that means not snacking on those potato chips, Hayden.”
Hayden stared up at Ms. Rahe, pulling a cheddar and sour cream potato chip out of the bag. “Go ahead, Hayden” said Ms. Rahe “I’m not going to take them away from you.”
Hayden slowly brought his chips back out, and started nibbling on them. For the rest of the hour we continued discussing the fats in different kinds of food. In the middle of the hour I found myself craving some of his chips.
“Hayden, could I have a chip?” I asked.
“No problem,” said Hayden. He turned the bag in my direction and let me pull a few out of the bag. I usually didn’t care for potato chips, but today they sounded rather delicious.
Hayden was about my height and rather slender, his hair blonde and short in the back with long bangs in the front. He wore a black t-shirt with some death metal band on the front and medium was jeans with rips in the knees. I continued staring at him as I crunched on the potato chips he had handed me. Something about that boy fascinated me.
For the next ten minutes I continued gazing at Hayden who was studiously taking notes on the food pyramid. A boy like him I did not expect to pay much attention in class. He seemed like one of those kids who just wouldn’t care about school, grades, or any of that kind of stuff, especially health class. Ms. Rahe began to mention something about a project, but my focus was still on Hayden, not even my eyes moved to glance up at the front of the classroom. It wasn’t until Hayden spoke to me that I regained my focus in class.
“Do you want to be my partner?” he asked.
“For what?” I replied.
“You know, that stupid project Ms. Rahe mentioned, we have to work with another person to develop an exercise program and a diet plan.”
“Was not even paying attention.”
“You should have the rubric,” he said “Ms. Rahe just passed them down the rows shortly before everyone else shuffled about to find their best friend to work with, and I noticed you don’t have anyone to work with, and I don’t know anyone in this damn school yet.”
I was a little hesitant at first but replied with “You’re new too?”
“Just got out of Winnebago, and ended up moving to middle of nowhere Abbottsford cause that‘s where my mom‘s girlfriend lived.”
“So, you’re mom’s a les-” he stopped me in mid-sentence.
“Yeah, she’s a lesbian, got a problem?”
“No, one of my friends is actually gay.” I responded thinking about Thani.
“Anyways, about you…uh Kristen? Where did you come from?”
“Sheboygan.” I managed to squeak out. I didn’t want to think about what was being said about me back there.
“Isn’t that the city shaped like an armpit on Lake Michigan?”
I never really thought of what Sheboygan was shaped like on the map, but I managed a bit of a smile when he mentioned that. “Well, it’s on the lake,” I said “Never thought it was shaped like an armpit.
“That’s what my moms say it looks like. Two of them used to party down there all the time, and she says that there’s a bar on almost every corner.”
“I know most of them,” I say “My parents actually know a few of the bar tenders.” I glance at the rubric that was handed to us.
“She expects us to start the school year with this big of a project?” I ask.
“Guess so.” replied Hayden as he glanced at the food pyramid he had drawn in his notebook. A stack of health and fitness magazines sat on the two tables in the front of the room along with a few issues of Seventeen and Cosmo Girl that contain work out routines.
“At least there’s magazines to help us come up with workout routines and diet plans,” I explained. “Anyways how long were you living in Winnebago before you came here?”
“All seventeen years of my life, I was born there, but I’ve been in and out of treatment and correctional facilities.”
“What for? If you don’t mind me asking.” I questioned.
“Might as well be blunt about this. My mom and dad divorced when I was eight. Mom had realized she couldn’t love my father, and she preferred women. She told me that even marriage and attending church every Sunday couldn’t shake the gay out of her. Only six months after her divorce with my father she told me she was a lesbian. I was almost nine, and at that time she’d met Melanie who lived right here in Abbottsford. Kids gave me a lot of shit for having two moms, and some parents forbid me from playing with their children. Many taunted me, asked if I was a fag, went around saying I didn’t have a penis, even calling me pussy boy. I’d shrug it off like it was nothing, but inside I was hurting. I didn’t know whether I should be sad or angry. Whether I should hate the kids at school or my mom and her girlfriend.
In fourth grade my grades started to suffer. The last thing I cared about was school. I was always worried about what the other kids would do or say to me. My teachers would try talking to me, but I was afraid to mention anything. It was just so uncomfortable, and I was afraid they too would have a problem with my mom’s lifestyle. In fact, one day in fourth grade this little bastard who say behind me in class told me I was going to hell because if my mom was gay so was I, and I lost it. I remember turning around, picking the kid up under his armpits and throwing him into the closet door next to our desks. I told him he was going to hell for being an asshole, and calling the rest of the kids in my class whatever four-letter word I could think of, and tossing my history textbook to the ground. I threw pens and pencils at my teacher and the rest of the class; tore other people’s assignments into pieces. If I made anyone cry I didn’t feel a single ounce of guilt, even called my teacher an ignorant cunt. I’ve never been a fan of that word, but at that time it just rolled right of my tongue. I could tell that was the final straw for my teacher when she yanked my arm and marched me down to the principal’s office. I knew if was in a lot of trouble, but I told them they couldn’t do a damn thing about me. I was suspended for a week, and reluctantly had to write an apology letter to the kid I threw, my teacher and the principle. Sure the letters sounded sweet and sincere but they were all lies and bullshit I made up to please them.
Fifth grade didn’t get any better. When I was 10 I started smoking because some boys from the middle school threatened to chop my dick off if I didn’t. Since then I’ve been unable to quit. I started stealing, first merchandise, and then cars. By the time I was eleven I had been in Juvi twice. I was binge drinking at least twice a week, popping pills and experimenting with heavy drugs like cocaine and heroin. I’d smoke pot whenever I could afford it, stealing money from my mom’s wallet, or Melanie’s if she was over. I was so angry I couldn’t explain anything. Mom tired taking me to counseling but I was too stubborn to speak, just walking into the therapist’s office made me crave a cigarette.
Since the therapy wasn’t working they sent me to live in a home in Wittenberg, but after I stole a van and started driving back to Winnebago I was sent to Lincoln Hills where I stayed until I was 14.I snuck some pills and whiskey onto the premises along with a sharp blade that I kept in a hidden pocket in my winter jacket. Once all lights were out and everyone else was asleep I brought out a bottle of Jack Daniels from the inside of my jacket and started to chug it as fast as I could. I chased down two ecstasies and about five Vikeden, and an anti-depressant with the bottle of whiskey that I followed with another bottle of Jack. If that didn’t kill me I had my good friend, the razor blade.
After the pills and the alcohol I was still conscious but my stomach started to feel queasy. I could feel the vomit crawling up my throat. I feared that whoever was working the nightshift in the halls might become suspicious if I they saw me rushing towards the bathroom, so I cracked open my window and let it all out to the ground beneath my window.
Within minutes of puking my brains out, my hand weakly fumbled towards my opposite wrist, but before the blade could touch it I went unconscious. I don’t remember much after that, but I remembered waking up at a hospital in Merrill. Melanie stood by my bedside, my mom holding onto her hand tightly. I could see her wiping a tear from her face. I was told that the woman working the nightshift had found me around 2AM unconscious on my floor with both bottles of whiskey at my side, and the doctors had explained that I’d went unconscious around 10:30 that night, and if the nightshift lady hadn’t found me when she did I’d probably be dead. For the fifth time in my life I had to have my stomach pumped because of all the pills I had taken. I was irritated with the doctors for not letting me die since that’s all I wanted.
Finally, after that entire trauma I was sent to the mental hospital back in Winnebago where they diagnosed me with anti-social personality disorder and severe depression. I was placed on high dosage anti-depressants and anti-psychotics which I still take, and spent almost two years in Winnebago getting treatment.”
I was so busy listening to what he had to say that I didn’t ask a single question until he finished telling me everything.
“How are you doing now?” I asked.
“Much better than I was three years ago. When they first sent me back to Winnebago I tried to overdose on my medications, but I got in trouble, and I didn’t speak at group therapy sessions for the first six months I was there. But now I’m much better. Like I said I still take my pills, but in a lower dosage, and I still go to therapy sessions to work things out. But, other than that I’ve learned to love and accept my mom and Melanie for who they are, and not let other’s opinions bring me down, and I still visit my father once a month although we’re not very close. He took the divorce pretty hard.”
“I can understand why, I mean you didn’t take the transition well either.” I looked up at the rest of the class. Groups of students were running their magazines back to the tables in front. Looking up at the clock I realized we had only a minute left of class. Time went by pretty quick listening to Hayden tell me about his life. He might’ve been a former bad boy, but he had that spark about him that just fascinated me. The bell rang.
“See you in class tomorrow?” he asked.
I nodded as I strolled off to Algebra to meet up with Adalyn. Shortly before the bell rang Adalyn asked me who my baby’s father was.
“The truth is,” I explained as I signed my name in my textbook “I don’t know.”
Adalyn took a pen out of her pencil case “What do you mean you don’t know,” asked Adalyn “Did you like to mess around? Were you raped?”
“The second one.” I whispered
“Oh my gosh!” she said in a loud whisper, her fingertips pressed against her bottom lip.
“So, are you keeping it or putting it up for adoption?” she asked again
“Keeping it.” I said as I opened my textbook to the page that Ms Ramey had written on the board.
“I’ll talk more at lunch,” I whispered, “I don’t want Ramey yelling at us!”
I hated having math right before lunch, especially with Ms. Ramey. She always spoke in such a soft, and monotonous voice, that could make just about anyone fall asleep in her class. She was older, and a little uptight. Everything was done her way and that was the only way. When she had me solve a math problem on the dry-erase board yesterday she was a little irritated. Although I got the problem right, I did not solve it the way she taught us to solve it. Teachers like her just make me want to get up and do the teaching.
A juniore that sat in front of me whispered, “Why can’t that hag just retire?”
I’d assumed he had her for Geometry last year. I nodded in agreement as I sat at my desk with my right hand on my chin, trying not to fall asleep. I started nodding off and Adalyn tapped me on the shoulder.
“What?” I’m up,” I whispered “She’s just so boring and my early-pregnancy fatigue isn’t helping.”
That hour I spent more time staring up at the clock instead of facing the dry-erase board. Finally the lunch bell rang. Adalyn and I hurried off to lunch to meet up with Breann and Thani.
“So, what’s the big news?” Thani asked as he opened his brown, paper lunch bag.
“Before I moved here,” I explained “Something happened, and…” Breann cut me off.
“Was it bad?”
“I’m getting to that.” I said, “I went to this party. There was alcohol, and I hadn’t drank before.”
“I’m guessing you drank at the party?” Adalyn asked.
I nodded “It was Jack and coke, and I had to go to the bathroom so I gave my drink to someone I thought was my friend.”
“They weren’t much of a friend, were they?” Thani asked
“Not exactly,” I replied “I think she put something in my drink, cause after I came back from the bathroom I don’t remember anything, but I woke upin an unfamiliar room, in a bed. I was next to a guy I did not know in just a t-shirt, and I saw pills on the night table beside me.”
“So,” Breann asked, “You’re trying to tell us that you were ra-.”
“Yes,” I said bowing my head down. “And I’m three months pregnant.”
“Oh my,” Breann said, “Do you know who the father is?”
I shook my head.
“Well if there’s one thing I hate it’s rapists. I don’t like people who molest children or beat women.”
I could feel a tear running down my face as I wrapped my arms around Breann.
“It’s okay,” she said as she hugged me back “We’ll find out who the asshole is that hurt you.”
“Will you guys reject me?” I asked as I picked up a napkin from my tray to wipe my tears.
“Not at all,” said Thani “I like guys and I’ve been best friends with these two ladies since grade school! Do you see them kicking me to the curb? No!”
“But being gay is different from being pregnant,” I said “Even though both affect you for the rest of your life.”
“It’s okay, really,” said Adalyn “I mean it’s not okay that some jackass raped you. Bad things just happen to good people. Did you say no?”
“I don’t know,” I explained “Like I said I was under the influence.”
“You still didn’t give consent,” Breann explained, “Once you find out who this jerk is you can press charges.”
“That’s what I’d like to do,” I explained “But the only evidence I have is that I am pregnant.”
“You’re still a minor though we all are” Chimed in Adalyn “Having sex with a minor with or without consent is still statutory rape, and the fact that you’re pregnant might just be enough to prove he’s guilty.”
“I really hope so.” I said.
No matter what my past is I have friends who won’t judge me .Alicia, Mandi, Brad, Alex, Adalyn, Breann, Thani, you’re the greatest friends I could ever ask for. I should’ve mentioned Hayden at lunch, but I wasn’t quite ready to mention my interest in him. He fascinated me, and his voice gave me a warm, comforting feeling. Could this mean that I like him? I don’t know? What does it feel like to fall for someone? This is not a feeling I’ve ever experienced, so I don’t know what to think, say or do. I only noticed him today, and I could not tell whether my heart skipped a beat, but for most of health class I found my eyes glued to him. He may have been a bad boy, but he’s changed, and he’s still changing. Still a smoker, but he says it’s a bitch to quit. I would not know, only because I have not tried it. I wonder if e would make me try if we were to become more than friends, or maybe he wouldn’t because he would not want me to become addicted. But, love; I’d truly like to know what it feels like to love and be loved platonically.
If I wasn’t drugged at that party I would’ve remembered love is not just about sex. I didn’t know who raped me, and certainly I did not love them. I know how to love my family and friends, but that kind of love is different . What I don’t know is how to fall in love with a boy. Maybe it just happens?
Everything
Chapter 9
I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. “Six thirty” I thought burying my head into my pillow. I was still tired, yet I’d gone to bed around eight thirty the night before. Damn, this whole being pregnant thing makes you tired. Reluctantly I woke up anyways.
After a quick shower I picked out my clothes for the day. Today I’d wear a black short sleeved hooded sweatshirt and a bluish green tank top underneath. I’d wear my dark wash jeans, and basic black converse all stars. For jewelry I’d wear my small silver heart earrings and a silver, star necklace.
It was simple, but I wasn’t trying to make too much of an impression. Besides the short-sleeved black sweatshirt was the best thing I had for the weather to hide my recently noticed baby bump.
I brushed my hair up into a high ponytail, applied some light makeup, grabbed a granola bar to go, and I was out the door. Upperclassmen were turning their cars into the parking lot, juniors showing off who got their license over the summer, while some freshman and sophomores walked down the same block I was on. It was a small town and the high school was in walking distance for almost everyone. Middle-schoolers strolled down the block across from me. The middle school was across the street from the high school. I didn’t make eye contact with anyone while I walked to school. Everyone else just seemed so busy socializing with each other, it’s not like any of them would want to talk to me anyways. I was just a tall, skinny giant that happened to be almost 3 months pregnant.
When I opened the high school doors upperclassmen were rushing to their homerooms while the freshman gathered into the auditorium for yet another “welcome to high school” presentation. It was probably going to be the same crap they tell every freshman class starting out with the whore “These are the best four years of your life” line.
I hurried to my homeroom and found a seat near the back next to a girl with jet-black hair that stopped at her chin and pale skin. She wore a green sundress with tiny, white hearts on it.
“Do I know you?” she asked in the loud roar of the crowd.
I didn’t say anything at first since it took me a moment to realize she was actually talking to me.
“Uh, no,” I said “I’m new here.” I started fidgeting with my necklace. I always fidget around with my jewelry when I met new people.
“So, what’s you name?” she asked
“Kristen,” I said. “And you?”
“I’m Adalyn.”
We started talking, Adalyn, like most of the school had lived here her entire life. She was different though. My stomach wasn’t the first thing that caught her eye. She didn’t even mention the “p” word. We mostly talked about school. I told her about my Freshman year in Sheboygan and the crazy things Adalyn and I did together. I even mentioned Mandi and Alex. My wallet has a few photo slots in it and I always had it with me, so I decided I would show her a picture of Alex.
“He’s adorable!” she said, “It must’ve been fun babysitting such a little cutie.”
“He’s a blast,” I said putting his picture back in my Wallet “Although he can be a real pain when he throws his little tantrums. If he gets, too out of control that’s when I call his mother. But those are rare.”
Talking about Alex made me miss Mandi and Alex a little more. I loved helping Mandi with Alex. Keeping him entertained while Mandi prepared supper and Brad still at work, reading stories to Alex, trips to the playground with the three of them were all things I missed. Just talking with Mandi by herself was priceless. She always gave me someone to talk to when I couldn’t tell Alicia or my parents something. I know I can still give her a call, but that’s not the same.
I just hope Adalyn doesn’t judge me or push me away when she finds out the truth. It’s still early enough where I can still hide my little bump, but at the rate it’s growing it probably won’t be long before Adalyn and the rest of the school knows. Adalyn seems to be nice but I’m still not sure if I want to call her a friend yet.
After the upperclassmen met in homeroom we could all go to the homeroom for an assembly and after that we’d go home while the Freshman stayed at school for a full day. A motivational speaker came in to talk to us about goals and why it’s important to have them. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard, so I brought out my I-pod for Adalyn and I to listen to as we shuffled through songs.
“You like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers?” Adalyn whispered to me.
“Love them,“ I replied as I shuffled through their songs on my I-pod.
“They’re my favorite!” Adalyn replied.
“Their one of mine too.” I said.
At this point the first day of school wasn’t too bad. I’d already started talking to someone, and right away I didn’t feel like I was being judged. She didn’t call me a slut or stare at my stomach, she just started talking to me, and we talked about friends and music. It would be awesome if we had lunch together. Having someone to sit with tomorrow would be great.
*********
The next day Adalyn ran up to me as I was walked out my front door.
“I didn’t know you lived so close to the high school!” She shouted.
I looked away for a moment. “Great,” I thought, “She already knows where I live, and we only met yesterday.”
I don’t know why I was so disappointed; she was the first person in the school to even say one word to me. I just wasn’t ready to start making friends. She wore another one of her lovely sundresses today. This one was blue with puffed sleeves and small polka dots in light blue. She wore a black tank top underneath and black ballet flats to match it. I had not noticed until today but Adalyn was pretty short, she had to be at almost a foot shorter than I was, but she was adorable.
“Wow,” I said I didn’t know you walked this way too.”
“I only live two bocks up the road from you.” she replied
“Interesting,” I said “For some reason I thought you lived in Colby or a few miles away, not right up the road.”
“Nah, I live right in town, but there’s a lot of people in school who live on farms and out in Colby. In order to be part of the popular you have to be either rich or a redneck,“ Adalyn Joked “I’m neither of those.”
I smirked “Neither am I, but whatever. I don’t care. It’s not like I’ve lived here all my life anyways.”
Adalyn laughed, “Come on, Kristen lets get going. It’d be ridiculous to be late on the second day of school.”
“Right,.” I said as I followed behind her.
Adalyn shared one class with me, and that was Geometry. After Geometry the two of us had lunch together. When Ms. Ramey gave us our first quarter seating arrangement Adalyn and I were placed next to each other in the back row.Come lunch time we met up with her two best friends, Breann and Thani.
Breann stood about 5’6” with a slightly athletic build. Her arms were toned and the black flutter top she wore flattered her athletic shoulders very well. Her hair was a dark shade of brown, almost black, her bangs similar to Adalyn’s, but her hair draped slightly past her shoulders and curled at the ends. She was the first person to start talking at the lunch table and could always keep a conversation going. It was obvious that Breann had a thing for tattoos and piercing. A tattoo of a blue and red serpent wrapped around her forearm. She also had various other piercing like the stud in her nose and the labret in her eyebrow. Her ears were gauged to what she told me was a 2G, and she wore metal pinchers along with two more piercing on her lobes, with two different studs, and a small silver hoop earring in her left cartilage.
“Your mom let you get that?” I asked pointing to the serpent on her forearm.
“My mom owns a tattoo parlor,” she said “She thinks it’s artistic. My dad doesn’t really care for it, though. He wishes my mom would’ve waited until my 16th birthday to give me a tattoo.”
“That’s amazing,” I said “My parents would kill me if I had anything besides my ears pierced.”
“So, did it hurt?” asked Adalyn.
“A little,” Said Breann as she was abut to take a bite into her garden pizza, “But I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.”
“We all know that!” said Thani. “I bet if you had the opportunity you’d get your nipples pierced and not feel anything.”
Breann giggled a little bit. “You know I have more respect for myself than to do that!”
Thani was about the same height as Breann, except for his electric blue Mohawk that gave him a few inches on her. He still wasn’t as tall as me though. Thani was gay, and quite open about it too. If boy-crazy Breann mentioned anything about a guy she found attractive he’d either agree or disagree with her.
“So,” I asked him at lunch “Johnny Depp, what’s your opinion?”
“Eh, too old.” he said “But he sure has a nice body.”
“That man shirtless,” said Breann “I’d tap him in a heartbeat.”
For the first time, since the move I felt like I didn’t need to prove myself to anyone. Not Adalyn, not Thani, and not even Breann. The way they welcomed me when I sat at their table was just unbelievable. Maybe there’s still time for me to find people I can confide in. I think tomorrow I’m going to get over my insecurities and wear something that isn’t so covered up. That will be my ultimate test for this new crowd of people. If Adalyn, Breann, or Thani can’t accept me because I’m pregnant than they’re not worth my time. Besides, I heard tomorrow it’s supposed to get up into the 90s anyways, and the A/C in the school hasn’t been working for the last two days either.
Chapter 10
I brought out one of my sundresses to wear to school today. It had thin spaghetti straps and was blue with small, white flowers on it, and matching white flip flops The dress wrapped around my body snugly. I even had difficulty zipping it in the back. Last summer I could easily slip that dress on, and the straps sometimes fell. I’d been the same height and only 117 lbs up until I became pregnant. Ever since I started showing I’ve gained a few pounds. My jeans that fit perfectly last year I now needed to jump into, and sweaters that buttoned perfectly had to stretch.
The one thing I enjoyed most so far about being pregnant was that I was actually gaining weight. Gaining weight was usually difficult since I have a fast metabolism, but now that I’m pregnant, I’m packing on the pounds pretty rapidly, and today I would walk the halls confidently. If anyone stared, or judged me I’d just rub it off. Well, maybe if I don’t run away and hide.
Once again Adalyn wore one of her sundresses, it was exactly like mine, only in red. And, instead of flip-flops she wore a pair of black leathery T-strap sandals. I walked to school today with her as well; only today I was less hesitant about walking with her. Maybe it was because I wasn’t in a panic about her knowing where my house was, or maybe I was starting to consider Adalyn as a friend. I didn’t know. It just felt so natural to just start walking and talking with her.
She didn’t notice my stomach at first; she just mentioned something about Thani’s boyfriend, Darren taking them to the mall in Eau Claire.
“He’s a senior, and he drives a hybrid SUV of some sort. His family is pretty rich, and his dad is friends with a guy who owns a car dealership in Minnesota, so they get somegood deals on their cars.”
I glanced at my mom’s blue Chrysler minivan, and my dad’s rusty, blue Dodge pickup truck. We’ve had the van for almost ten years, and the pick up since before I was born.
“He’s lucky,” I said “Just look at what my parents drive, not that I’m complaining.”
“Don’t feel bad, Kristen. My parents have been driving the same black Lumina for the past fifteen years. But, besides that Darren wants to go to Eau Claire to buy some new shoes. Thani’s coming with of course, but they were wondering if the two of us wanted to come with. Breann can’t, she has to work, but the two of us can, as long as you don’t have any plans.”
I really didn’t, so I said I’d ask my parents. I still had $100 from the last two times Mandi paid me before I left Sheboygan. I adjusted the strap on my backpack and looked down at the baby bump that protruded under my dress. When Adalyn mentioned that Breann had a job I was curious to know where she was working, I had to find a job, and fast. With the baby coming there’d be so many more expenses for me than before.
“Where does Breann work?” I asked as the two of us walked through the high school doors.
“This bookstore downtown, I don’t know the name of it, but they usually hire at 16, but they will take older 15 year olds if they need to. Breann said they’re looking for people if you turn 16 soon.”
“I turn 16 next month.” I replied
“It wouldn’t hurt to apply then,” Adalyn replied as we walked through the high school doors.
Students were shuffling around to their first hour classes. Thani and Breann were waiting for us by the gym.
I told the three of them that I had something important to tell them at lunch.
“What’s that?” asked Breann
“Are you moving again?” asked Thani.
“No,” I said setting my backpack down on the bench we were sitting on “You may know now, but if not I’ll tell you guys at lunch.”
“Are you….”? Adalyn trailed off as she adjusted the strap on her dress.
“Go on.” I said.
“Pregnant?” she whispered in my ear.
I nodded.
“Well, what is it?” Breann and Thani asked in unison.
“I’ll tell you guys at lunch,” I said right now we have to get to class. I stormed off to my locker, then upstairs to health class. Ms. Rahe was a calm, laid-back woman with an interesting sense of humor, but I guess that’s something you needed when you were talking to kids about sex, drugs, and alcohol. She could sometimes be a little absent-minded and usually never marked you late if you came into first hour within five minutes of the bell ringing.
“The last unit we’ll be covering,” she said as I walked in the door “is sex.”
I couldn’t have timed my entrance into class any better, or worse as I did that day. Ms. Rahe just glanced at me as the word sex rolled off her tongue. Two girls in the front row whispered back and forth to each other, I could hear the words “sex” and “pregnant” but not much else. Ms. Rahe’s eyes gazed down to my stomach.
“I’m not that far along,” I thought “But why is everyone staring already?”
I found my seat in the middle of the back row and took out my notebook.
“Today,” explained Ms. Rahe we’ll be talking about fitness and how to be healthy, and that means not snacking on those potato chips, Hayden.”
Hayden stared up at Ms. Rahe, pulling a cheddar and sour cream potato chip out of the bag. “Go ahead, Hayden” said Ms. Rahe “I’m not going to take them away from you.”
Hayden slowly brought his chips back out, and started nibbling on them. For the rest of the hour we continued discussing the fats in different kinds of food. In the middle of the hour I found myself craving some of his chips.
“Hayden, could I have a chip?” I asked.
“No problem,” said Hayden. He turned the bag in my direction and let me pull a few out of the bag. I usually didn’t care for potato chips, but today they sounded rather delicious.
Hayden was about my height and rather slender, his hair blonde and short in the back with long bangs in the front. He wore a black t-shirt with some death metal band on the front and medium was jeans with rips in the knees. I continued staring at him as I crunched on the potato chips he had handed me. Something about that boy fascinated me.
For the next ten minutes I continued gazing at Hayden who was studiously taking notes on the food pyramid. A boy like him I did not expect to pay much attention in class. He seemed like one of those kids who just wouldn’t care about school, grades, or any of that kind of stuff, especially health class. Ms. Rahe began to mention something about a project, but my focus was still on Hayden, not even my eyes moved to glance up at the front of the classroom. It wasn’t until Hayden spoke to me that I regained my focus in class.
“Do you want to be my partner?” he asked.
“For what?” I replied.
“You know, that stupid project Ms. Rahe mentioned, we have to work with another person to develop an exercise program and a diet plan.”
“Was not even paying attention.”
“You should have the rubric,” he said “Ms. Rahe just passed them down the rows shortly before everyone else shuffled about to find their best friend to work with, and I noticed you don’t have anyone to work with, and I don’t know anyone in this damn school yet.”
I was a little hesitant at first but replied with “You’re new too?”
“Just got out of Winnebago, and ended up moving to middle of nowhere Abbottsford cause that‘s where my mom‘s girlfriend lived.”
“So, you’re mom’s a les-” he stopped me in mid-sentence.
“Yeah, she’s a lesbian, got a problem?”
“No, one of my friends is actually gay.” I responded thinking about Thani.
“Anyways, about you…uh Kristen? Where did you come from?”
“Sheboygan.” I managed to squeak out. I didn’t want to think about what was being said about me back there.
“Isn’t that the city shaped like an armpit on Lake Michigan?”
I never really thought of what Sheboygan was shaped like on the map, but I managed a bit of a smile when he mentioned that. “Well, it’s on the lake,” I said “Never thought it was shaped like an armpit.
“That’s what my moms say it looks like. Two of them used to party down there all the time, and she says that there’s a bar on almost every corner.”
“I know most of them,” I say “My parents actually know a few of the bar tenders.” I glance at the rubric that was handed to us.
“She expects us to start the school year with this big of a project?” I ask.
“Guess so.” replied Hayden as he glanced at the food pyramid he had drawn in his notebook. A stack of health and fitness magazines sat on the two tables in the front of the room along with a few issues of Seventeen and Cosmo Girl that contain work out routines.
“At least there’s magazines to help us come up with workout routines and diet plans,” I explained. “Anyways how long were you living in Winnebago before you came here?”
“All seventeen years of my life, I was born there, but I’ve been in and out of treatment and correctional facilities.”
“What for? If you don’t mind me asking.” I questioned.
“Might as well be blunt about this. My mom and dad divorced when I was eight. Mom had realized she couldn’t love my father, and she preferred women. She told me that even marriage and attending church every Sunday couldn’t shake the gay out of her. Only six months after her divorce with my father she told me she was a lesbian. I was almost nine, and at that time she’d met Melanie who lived right here in Abbottsford. Kids gave me a lot of shit for having two moms, and some parents forbid me from playing with their children. Many taunted me, asked if I was a fag, went around saying I didn’t have a penis, even calling me pussy boy. I’d shrug it off like it was nothing, but inside I was hurting. I didn’t know whether I should be sad or angry. Whether I should hate the kids at school or my mom and her girlfriend.
In fourth grade my grades started to suffer. The last thing I cared about was school. I was always worried about what the other kids would do or say to me. My teachers would try talking to me, but I was afraid to mention anything. It was just so uncomfortable, and I was afraid they too would have a problem with my mom’s lifestyle. In fact, one day in fourth grade this little bastard who say behind me in class told me I was going to hell because if my mom was gay so was I, and I lost it. I remember turning around, picking the kid up under his armpits and throwing him into the closet door next to our desks. I told him he was going to hell for being an asshole, and calling the rest of the kids in my class whatever four-letter word I could think of, and tossing my history textbook to the ground. I threw pens and pencils at my teacher and the rest of the class; tore other people’s assignments into pieces. If I made anyone cry I didn’t feel a single ounce of guilt, even called my teacher an ignorant cunt. I’ve never been a fan of that word, but at that time it just rolled right of my tongue. I could tell that was the final straw for my teacher when she yanked my arm and marched me down to the principal’s office. I knew if was in a lot of trouble, but I told them they couldn’t do a damn thing about me. I was suspended for a week, and reluctantly had to write an apology letter to the kid I threw, my teacher and the principle. Sure the letters sounded sweet and sincere but they were all lies and bullshit I made up to please them.
Fifth grade didn’t get any better. When I was 10 I started smoking because some boys from the middle school threatened to chop my dick off if I didn’t. Since then I’ve been unable to quit. I started stealing, first merchandise, and then cars. By the time I was eleven I had been in Juvi twice. I was binge drinking at least twice a week, popping pills and experimenting with heavy drugs like cocaine and heroin. I’d smoke pot whenever I could afford it, stealing money from my mom’s wallet, or Melanie’s if she was over. I was so angry I couldn’t explain anything. Mom tired taking me to counseling but I was too stubborn to speak, just walking into the therapist’s office made me crave a cigarette.
Since the therapy wasn’t working they sent me to live in a home in Wittenberg, but after I stole a van and started driving back to Winnebago I was sent to Lincoln Hills where I stayed until I was 14.I snuck some pills and whiskey onto the premises along with a sharp blade that I kept in a hidden pocket in my winter jacket. Once all lights were out and everyone else was asleep I brought out a bottle of Jack Daniels from the inside of my jacket and started to chug it as fast as I could. I chased down two ecstasies and about five Vikeden, and an anti-depressant with the bottle of whiskey that I followed with another bottle of Jack. If that didn’t kill me I had my good friend, the razor blade.
After the pills and the alcohol I was still conscious but my stomach started to feel queasy. I could feel the vomit crawling up my throat. I feared that whoever was working the nightshift in the halls might become suspicious if I they saw me rushing towards the bathroom, so I cracked open my window and let it all out to the ground beneath my window.
Within minutes of puking my brains out, my hand weakly fumbled towards my opposite wrist, but before the blade could touch it I went unconscious. I don’t remember much after that, but I remembered waking up at a hospital in Merrill. Melanie stood by my bedside, my mom holding onto her hand tightly. I could see her wiping a tear from her face. I was told that the woman working the nightshift had found me around 2AM unconscious on my floor with both bottles of whiskey at my side, and the doctors had explained that I’d went unconscious around 10:30 that night, and if the nightshift lady hadn’t found me when she did I’d probably be dead. For the fifth time in my life I had to have my stomach pumped because of all the pills I had taken. I was irritated with the doctors for not letting me die since that’s all I wanted.
Finally, after that entire trauma I was sent to the mental hospital back in Winnebago where they diagnosed me with anti-social personality disorder and severe depression. I was placed on high dosage anti-depressants and anti-psychotics which I still take, and spent almost two years in Winnebago getting treatment.”
I was so busy listening to what he had to say that I didn’t ask a single question until he finished telling me everything.
“How are you doing now?” I asked.
“Much better than I was three years ago. When they first sent me back to Winnebago I tried to overdose on my medications, but I got in trouble, and I didn’t speak at group therapy sessions for the first six months I was there. But now I’m much better. Like I said I still take my pills, but in a lower dosage, and I still go to therapy sessions to work things out. But, other than that I’ve learned to love and accept my mom and Melanie for who they are, and not let other’s opinions bring me down, and I still visit my father once a month although we’re not very close. He took the divorce pretty hard.”
“I can understand why, I mean you didn’t take the transition well either.” I looked up at the rest of the class. Groups of students were running their magazines back to the tables in front. Looking up at the clock I realized we had only a minute left of class. Time went by pretty quick listening to Hayden tell me about his life. He might’ve been a former bad boy, but he had that spark about him that just fascinated me. The bell rang.
“See you in class tomorrow?” he asked.
I nodded as I strolled off to Algebra to meet up with Adalyn. Shortly before the bell rang Adalyn asked me who my baby’s father was.
“The truth is,” I explained as I signed my name in my textbook “I don’t know.”
Adalyn took a pen out of her pencil case “What do you mean you don’t know,” asked Adalyn “Did you like to mess around? Were you raped?”
“The second one.” I whispered
“Oh my gosh!” she said in a loud whisper, her fingertips pressed against her bottom lip.
“So, are you keeping it or putting it up for adoption?” she asked again
“Keeping it.” I said as I opened my textbook to the page that Ms Ramey had written on the board.
“I’ll talk more at lunch,” I whispered, “I don’t want Ramey yelling at us!”
I hated having math right before lunch, especially with Ms. Ramey. She always spoke in such a soft, and monotonous voice, that could make just about anyone fall asleep in her class. She was older, and a little uptight. Everything was done her way and that was the only way. When she had me solve a math problem on the dry-erase board yesterday she was a little irritated. Although I got the problem right, I did not solve it the way she taught us to solve it. Teachers like her just make me want to get up and do the teaching.
A juniore that sat in front of me whispered, “Why can’t that hag just retire?”
I’d assumed he had her for Geometry last year. I nodded in agreement as I sat at my desk with my right hand on my chin, trying not to fall asleep. I started nodding off and Adalyn tapped me on the shoulder.
“What?” I’m up,” I whispered “She’s just so boring and my early-pregnancy fatigue isn’t helping.”
That hour I spent more time staring up at the clock instead of facing the dry-erase board. Finally the lunch bell rang. Adalyn and I hurried off to lunch to meet up with Breann and Thani.
“So, what’s the big news?” Thani asked as he opened his brown, paper lunch bag.
“Before I moved here,” I explained “Something happened, and…” Breann cut me off.
“Was it bad?”
“I’m getting to that.” I said, “I went to this party. There was alcohol, and I hadn’t drank before.”
“I’m guessing you drank at the party?” Adalyn asked.
I nodded “It was Jack and coke, and I had to go to the bathroom so I gave my drink to someone I thought was my friend.”
“They weren’t much of a friend, were they?” Thani asked
“Not exactly,” I replied “I think she put something in my drink, cause after I came back from the bathroom I don’t remember anything, but I woke upin an unfamiliar room, in a bed. I was next to a guy I did not know in just a t-shirt, and I saw pills on the night table beside me.”
“So,” Breann asked, “You’re trying to tell us that you were ra-.”
“Yes,” I said bowing my head down. “And I’m three months pregnant.”
“Oh my,” Breann said, “Do you know who the father is?”
I shook my head.
“Well if there’s one thing I hate it’s rapists. I don’t like people who molest children or beat women.”
I could feel a tear running down my face as I wrapped my arms around Breann.
“It’s okay,” she said as she hugged me back “We’ll find out who the asshole is that hurt you.”
“Will you guys reject me?” I asked as I picked up a napkin from my tray to wipe my tears.
“Not at all,” said Thani “I like guys and I’ve been best friends with these two ladies since grade school! Do you see them kicking me to the curb? No!”
“But being gay is different from being pregnant,” I said “Even though both affect you for the rest of your life.”
“It’s okay, really,” said Adalyn “I mean it’s not okay that some jackass raped you. Bad things just happen to good people. Did you say no?”
“I don’t know,” I explained “Like I said I was under the influence.”
“You still didn’t give consent,” Breann explained, “Once you find out who this jerk is you can press charges.”
“That’s what I’d like to do,” I explained “But the only evidence I have is that I am pregnant.”
“You’re still a minor though we all are” Chimed in Adalyn “Having sex with a minor with or without consent is still statutory rape, and the fact that you’re pregnant might just be enough to prove he’s guilty.”
“I really hope so.” I said.
No matter what my past is I have friends who won’t judge me .Alicia, Mandi, Brad, Alex, Adalyn, Breann, Thani, you’re the greatest friends I could ever ask for. I should’ve mentioned Hayden at lunch, but I wasn’t quite ready to mention my interest in him. He fascinated me, and his voice gave me a warm, comforting feeling. Could this mean that I like him? I don’t know? What does it feel like to fall for someone? This is not a feeling I’ve ever experienced, so I don’t know what to think, say or do. I only noticed him today, and I could not tell whether my heart skipped a beat, but for most of health class I found my eyes glued to him. He may have been a bad boy, but he’s changed, and he’s still changing. Still a smoker, but he says it’s a bitch to quit. I would not know, only because I have not tried it. I wonder if e would make me try if we were to become more than friends, or maybe he wouldn’t because he would not want me to become addicted. But, love; I’d truly like to know what it feels like to love and be loved platonically.
If I wasn’t drugged at that party I would’ve remembered love is not just about sex. I didn’t know who raped me, and certainly I did not love them. I know how to love my family and friends, but that kind of love is different . What I don’t know is how to fall in love with a boy. Maybe it just happens?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Innocent and Pure, Unlike me Chapters Seven and Eight
Two more short chapters
August:
Adjustments
Chapter 7
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at noon, where they will do tests on me, and tell me whether I’m truly pregnant or not. Mom doesn’t know that I went to Planned Parenthood with Mandi, so she wants me to have another test done. They’re doing plenty of tests on me tomorrow anyways, so I figured might as well have another done. Also, I have decided that tomorrow I will break the news to my dad and my sister.
********
“There’s no doubt about it, you’re pregnant, Kristen.” That’s what the doctor told me.
That was obvious. I’m going to have my first ultrasound the week after school starts. They’re also going to do tests to find out if there are any health concerns. On the 10th of next month I’ll be three months along. My due date is between March 25th and April 7th. Between late October and early November I’ll be half way along, and I’ll be able to find out the baby’s gender.
On the way home I told my mom that I was going to break the news to dad and Patricia.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” my mom asked, “You can’t tell Patricia the same thing you want to tell dad. Patricia doesn’t even know what rape is yet.”
“ I know that mom,” said as we parked in the driveway.
When the two of us walked into the house I could hear my dad and my sister talking in her bedroom. She was telling my dad how she wanted her room decorated.
“This one,” She said pointing to a picture of a room with hot pink walls and a hello kitty bedspread on a bed with a white frame. “No, wait this one!” she pointed to another picture where the walls were lime green with pink Hawaiian flowers.
My mom finally chimed in “There’s some news we need to tell you.”
I hesitated for a moment.
“Patricia,” I asked “Is it okay if we bring daddy out of the room for a moment? We’ll bring him right back.”
“Why?” she asked.
“We need to talk to him about something,” my mom said “We’ll bring him back in when we’re done, then we have to talk to you.”
“Did I do something bad?” she asked.
“No, Patricia it’s about your sister.” My mom explained.
“Was Kristen bad?” she asked again
“Well, not exactly, no, Patricia.”
My mom and I brought my dad into the living room, and I turned up the TV a little bit.
“You know that party with Kateena and Cassidy?” I asked
“What about it?” my dad replied.
“Well, there was alcohol. I had a little bit, only a mixed drink, and I did something really stupid.”
My dad looked disappointed “I thought we taught you better,” he replied “But go on, what else did you do?”
“I had to go to the bathroom, so I gave Cassidy my drink. I have a feeling she put something in it, because after I came back from the bathroom I don’t remember what happened next. I just remember waking up in just my t-shirt, next to a complete stranger, and I was raped.”
I could see an angry look glaze over my dad’s face.
“Whose the son of a bitch that hurt my little girl, Kelly?” asked my dad.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I’m pregnant. I’ve taken three tests. All of them were positive.”
I could still see the anger in my father’s eyes, but it was slowly turning into disappointment. “Not my daughter,” he said, “You’re still a little girl Kristen. You can’t be having a kid yet.”
“Dad,” I said, “I’m already six weeks along.”
“Well, um,” my dad was speechless for a moment. “But, that asshole who hurt you is going to pay.” snapped my father.
“That is if we can find him.” I said.
“Oh, we will,” My dad, said, “We’ll find him and make sure he gets locked up for the rest of his life!”
If giving my dad the news wasn’t painful enough, telling Patricia wasn’t going to be any easier. I came back into Patricia’s room and took a seat on her bed. She was still paging through an interior design catalogue. She looked up at me and asked “What do you have to tell me, Kristen?
“Patricia,” I said, “I’m going to be having a baby.”
Patricia looked up at me, the stare on her face entirely blank. Our mom stood in the doorway as I spoke to my sister.
“But I thought only mommy and daddy could have babies together. You’re not mommy!” she replied.
I waved for my mom to come into Patricia’s room. “Does Patricia know where babies come from yet?” I whispered into my mom’s ear.
“Patricia, I’m going to talk to your sister for a second. We’ll finish talking to you in a little bit.”
“But mom, Kristen isn’t you. She can’t have a baby.”
“Hold on, Patricia,” my mom said as she brought me outside Patricia’s doorway.
“How much does she know?” I asked.
“I told her that babies are made when two people who love each other share a bed, and sometimes when they wake up they are given a baby that grows inside of them, and is born a few months later.”
“What should I say, about my situation?”
“Hmmm,” my mom pondered “We don’t want to confuse her, or tell her too much. After all, she’s only six. But, how does this sound? Sometimes a man and woman share a bed that don’t love each other, and the woman doesn’t want to share the bed with him, but because the man is too strong she can’t get away, and sometimes she still wakes up with a baby inside of her.”
“That might work. Thanks mom,” I said as I walked back over to Patricia’s bed.”
“You know what mom has told you about where babies come from,” she nods and I continue “But, sometimes the man and woman don’t love each other and the man hurts the woman, and she is given a baby to grow inside of her.”
“Did someone hurt you?” Patricia asked.
“Yes,” I replied
“What a meany head,” Patricia said “Mommy and daddy are gonna yell at him, right?”
“Not exactly, Patricia. You see, the way he hurt me he can go to jail. I’m still a child like you and it’s against the law for a man to try and make a baby with a child.”
“So he did something really bad to you, didn’t he?” my sister asked. She sounded sad.
“Yes, very bad.” I sighed.
“Well, I hope he goes to jail too,” Patricia said. She reached around to give me a hug “Nobody hurts my big sister.”
Chapter 8
School registration was today, and since the high school and elementary school were only a few blocks away my mom, Patricia, and I decided we would walk. My sophomore year of high school started in two weeks and Patricia would be entering the first grade.
A long row of paperwork and fliers lined the front entrance of the high school. Each piece of paper a different color. The white one was general information, and sat next to a stack of calendars. Next to that was the school picture order form followed by different flyers for open house, and different events at the school. Before any of that I still had to pick up a course book and scheduling information. My mom ran into the school office to pick up a booklet while I held our place in line.
At least fifty other students and parents were in front of us; I stood nervously glancing about the hallway. I was just another new student in the hallway, but soon I would start to have a baby bump. I pondered what other students would think about me while I stood in line holding my sisters hand. Teenagers clustered into groups with their friends. No one aknowleged me, but I figured that a lot of these people had known each other since grade school. I could hear gossip about their summers, some went on trips, some stayed home and worked, others just stayed home and spent time with their friends.
I didn’t have anyone to talk to, but my summer wasn’t so pleasant. I went to a party. Got raped. Got pregnant. Moved. I don’t think anyone could ask for a worse summer than that. Not that anyone cared, but it angered me to hear about everyone elses wonderful summers.
“You okay, Kristen?” Patricia asked.
“I’m fine, Patricia. I’m just mad.”
“Why are you mad?”
“See the big kids over there talking,” Patricia nodded “They’re all talking about their summers, and a lot of them went on trips and hung out with their friends, and some worked all summer.”
“You Hung out with Alicia and Mandi and you went to a party,” Patricia said “And we moved.”
“That’s it, Patricia. We moved. Moving and going on vacation are different. Moving is permanent and usually unpleasant. A Vacation is temporary and usually pleasant. Also, remember that I got hurt at that party, so it wasn’t very fun.”
“Oh yeah,” Alicia said “Well, I’m mad too. I’m mad that someone hurt you.”
By the time my mom returned with my course book Patricia and I had inched up a little bit in line. She handed me the thick spiral bound course book and a green selection form. “All we need to do is stop in the guidance office once you’re registered.”
I sat on a bench next to the gym doors that were across from the line of people. I started out with my core classes, since those I had to take. English 10, World History, Biology, Biology, and health II were all mandatory. So was gym, but I could choose between two different classes: Gym A and Gym B. Gym A included flag football, soccer, softball, and basketball. Gym B included tennis, swimming, tumbling, and Frisbee golf. Gym class has never been a favorite of mine since I’ve never been athletic, but Gym B caught my interest the most. If I wanted to go on to college I needed at least another year of foreign language so I decided to continue with Spanish and take Spanish II.
I still had enough room for 2 more half-credit classes. For each of those I chose intro to graphic design and Foods I. I figured those would be good choices for me, to take just for fun, and maybe learn a few things since honestly I have no idea what I plan on doing after high school. Come graduation I’m going to have a two year old little boy or girl, and I’m not sure what I’m going to be thinking about. College has been in my plan since middle school, but since I’m having a baby I might have to put that on hold.
When I stepped back into line to meet up with my mom and my sister there were just 10 people ahead of us. I handed my mom the course book and the form with my selections. Once our turn came we handed our forms to the woman at the table in front of us, who sent us down a hallway to the left so I could get my ID and yearbook pictures taken. After that we were sent to the guidance office where I would get my schedule. Everyone who signed up for courses in February already had their schedules mailed to them.
My mom and I walked into the guidance office. A long gray counter lined the front of it and a woman sat behind it. She looked about fifty with graying hair that hit her shoulders.
“Who would my daughter talk to about scheduling?” my mom asked.
“Could I get a last name?” the woman behind the counter asked.
“Thorne.” my mom replied.
“Last name is St-Z, she’d talk to Ms. Whittaker on the far right. I believe she’s still in her office.”
“Thank you,” my mom said as we turned to the right.
Ms. Whittaker was sitting at her desk, her eyes focused on her computer screen. She looked up as my mom and I walked in. Patricia sat in a chair outside of Ms. Whittaker’s office. She looked young and fresh out of college.
“I was told you could help schedule me.” I said.
“Could I get a name?” she asked.
“Kristen Thorne, with an “E” at the end. I’m new here,” I took a seat in one of the blue chairs in front of her desk.”
“What grade are you going into and where are you transferring from?” she asked.
“A sophomore, and Sheboygan North.” I replied. Ms Whittaker typed in the information and I handed her the form with my course selections. She unquenched in the code numbers for each of my courses.
“This look right to you?” she asked.
I glanced through the schedule, Health II, English 10, Homeroom, Geometry, Early Lunch, World History, Biology, Foods I, and French II.
“They’re all there,” I said as Ms. Whittaker printed out my schedule.
“Thank you for stopping by, and enjoy the rest of your day.”
“We will.” my mom said.
Our next stop was the elementary school. We walked across the street and sow Lindsey walking into the school with Kenzie and Levi.
“My new friends!” Patricia squealed as she ran up to Kenzie and Levi.
“Patricia!” shouted Levi.
“Nice seeing you guys again,” said Lindsey as we walked into the elementary school. “Registering your kids for school too?”
“Just finished getting Kristen registered, and now we’re getting Patricia taken care of.
“We’re going school supply shopping after I get Kenzie and Levi registered.”
“We’re going tomorrow.” My mom replied.
“We’re going to all be in the same class together, Patricia!” Kenzie chimed in.
“That will be so awesome!” Patricia said.
“You want to go outside and play on the playground?” Levi asked.
“I’ll ask my mom, Patricia replied. “Mom, can I go outside and play with Levi and Kenzie?”
“As long as Kristen keeps an eye on you guys.”
“I agree,” Lindsey chimed in “I don’t want you guys out there by yourselves.”
“Kristen,“ my sister begged “Will you go outside with us?”
“If you really want me to.” I replied.
“Please Kristen,” my mom said “Just keep an eye on them.”
“Fine,” I said “Come on guys lets go outside.”
Outside I took a seat on a bench near the playground while Kenzie, Patricia, and Levi ran towards a tire swing on the play ground.
“Push us, Kristen! Push us really high!” Patricia yelled.”
Reluctantly I got up. I really didn’t want to be outside in this heat, and being pregnant didn’t help.
“Okay guys,” I said “Hold on tight!” I started spinning the swing then pushed it as high as I could lift it. The three of them screamed in excitement, although watching the swing move back and forth nauseated me.
“Again! Again,” They yelled as the swing came to a stop.
“Okay, here it goes,” I said “I’m going to go even faster so don’t get sick!”
“We won’t!” Levi said “We like going fast. It’s the best!”
For the next thirty minutes I continued pushing them on the swing. I’d never seen my sister have this much fun with her friends in a long time. The whole time she was on the swing with Levi and Kenzie she was giggling, Laughing and having a great time. I wish I could’ve gone on without feeling sick.
Kenzie and Levi’s mom walked up to the playground “You’re great with them.” said Lindsey.
“Thanks,” I said shyly “I always watch Patricia and I used to baby-sit my neighbor’s little boy back in Sheboygan, but he’s only two.”
“Speaking of that, you’re mom told me you’re looking to earn some extra money. I was wondering if you could watch Kenzie and Levi every now and then. I’d pay you between $10 and $20 every time.”
“Sounds good, they’re such wonderful kids and Patricia loves being with them.”
“Great!” Lindsey replied “Your mom already gave me your phone number, so I’ll call when I need you.”
“Awesome!” I said.
“Kenzie, Levi! Time to go!”
“Can Kristen push us once again?” Kenzie asked.
“One more time, then we have to go and buy school supplies.”
“Ready?” I asked them “I’m going to go really, really fast this time! 1...2...3.” I gave the three of them another push on the swing.
“They’ll have so much fun with you as a sitter,” Lindsey said “And I’m sure that you’ll be a great mom when you decide to have children.”
“Really?” I asked shyly
“From what you mom’s told me and just seeing you with my kids, I can see you’re pretty good with them.”
“Uh, thanks, I replied thinking about the little life growing inside of me.
“Come on Levi, come on Kenzie we got to get going now.”
“Aw come on, mom.” Kenzie stammered.
“We have to go buy school supplies. You’ll get to see Kristen and Patricia later. Patricia’s going to be your new babysitter.”
“Really, asked Levi. “That’s so cool!”
“Bye Kristen! Bye Patricia, The three of them shouted as the walked back towards the elementary school.
Patricia and I followed a few feet behind them too meet up with our mom. While we tagged behind I looked down at my stomach to talk to the little one inside me.
“I hope I’m a good mother.” I whispered.
August:
Adjustments
Chapter 7
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at noon, where they will do tests on me, and tell me whether I’m truly pregnant or not. Mom doesn’t know that I went to Planned Parenthood with Mandi, so she wants me to have another test done. They’re doing plenty of tests on me tomorrow anyways, so I figured might as well have another done. Also, I have decided that tomorrow I will break the news to my dad and my sister.
********
“There’s no doubt about it, you’re pregnant, Kristen.” That’s what the doctor told me.
That was obvious. I’m going to have my first ultrasound the week after school starts. They’re also going to do tests to find out if there are any health concerns. On the 10th of next month I’ll be three months along. My due date is between March 25th and April 7th. Between late October and early November I’ll be half way along, and I’ll be able to find out the baby’s gender.
On the way home I told my mom that I was going to break the news to dad and Patricia.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” my mom asked, “You can’t tell Patricia the same thing you want to tell dad. Patricia doesn’t even know what rape is yet.”
“ I know that mom,” said as we parked in the driveway.
When the two of us walked into the house I could hear my dad and my sister talking in her bedroom. She was telling my dad how she wanted her room decorated.
“This one,” She said pointing to a picture of a room with hot pink walls and a hello kitty bedspread on a bed with a white frame. “No, wait this one!” she pointed to another picture where the walls were lime green with pink Hawaiian flowers.
My mom finally chimed in “There’s some news we need to tell you.”
I hesitated for a moment.
“Patricia,” I asked “Is it okay if we bring daddy out of the room for a moment? We’ll bring him right back.”
“Why?” she asked.
“We need to talk to him about something,” my mom said “We’ll bring him back in when we’re done, then we have to talk to you.”
“Did I do something bad?” she asked.
“No, Patricia it’s about your sister.” My mom explained.
“Was Kristen bad?” she asked again
“Well, not exactly, no, Patricia.”
My mom and I brought my dad into the living room, and I turned up the TV a little bit.
“You know that party with Kateena and Cassidy?” I asked
“What about it?” my dad replied.
“Well, there was alcohol. I had a little bit, only a mixed drink, and I did something really stupid.”
My dad looked disappointed “I thought we taught you better,” he replied “But go on, what else did you do?”
“I had to go to the bathroom, so I gave Cassidy my drink. I have a feeling she put something in it, because after I came back from the bathroom I don’t remember what happened next. I just remember waking up in just my t-shirt, next to a complete stranger, and I was raped.”
I could see an angry look glaze over my dad’s face.
“Whose the son of a bitch that hurt my little girl, Kelly?” asked my dad.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I’m pregnant. I’ve taken three tests. All of them were positive.”
I could still see the anger in my father’s eyes, but it was slowly turning into disappointment. “Not my daughter,” he said, “You’re still a little girl Kristen. You can’t be having a kid yet.”
“Dad,” I said, “I’m already six weeks along.”
“Well, um,” my dad was speechless for a moment. “But, that asshole who hurt you is going to pay.” snapped my father.
“That is if we can find him.” I said.
“Oh, we will,” My dad, said, “We’ll find him and make sure he gets locked up for the rest of his life!”
If giving my dad the news wasn’t painful enough, telling Patricia wasn’t going to be any easier. I came back into Patricia’s room and took a seat on her bed. She was still paging through an interior design catalogue. She looked up at me and asked “What do you have to tell me, Kristen?
“Patricia,” I said, “I’m going to be having a baby.”
Patricia looked up at me, the stare on her face entirely blank. Our mom stood in the doorway as I spoke to my sister.
“But I thought only mommy and daddy could have babies together. You’re not mommy!” she replied.
I waved for my mom to come into Patricia’s room. “Does Patricia know where babies come from yet?” I whispered into my mom’s ear.
“Patricia, I’m going to talk to your sister for a second. We’ll finish talking to you in a little bit.”
“But mom, Kristen isn’t you. She can’t have a baby.”
“Hold on, Patricia,” my mom said as she brought me outside Patricia’s doorway.
“How much does she know?” I asked.
“I told her that babies are made when two people who love each other share a bed, and sometimes when they wake up they are given a baby that grows inside of them, and is born a few months later.”
“What should I say, about my situation?”
“Hmmm,” my mom pondered “We don’t want to confuse her, or tell her too much. After all, she’s only six. But, how does this sound? Sometimes a man and woman share a bed that don’t love each other, and the woman doesn’t want to share the bed with him, but because the man is too strong she can’t get away, and sometimes she still wakes up with a baby inside of her.”
“That might work. Thanks mom,” I said as I walked back over to Patricia’s bed.”
“You know what mom has told you about where babies come from,” she nods and I continue “But, sometimes the man and woman don’t love each other and the man hurts the woman, and she is given a baby to grow inside of her.”
“Did someone hurt you?” Patricia asked.
“Yes,” I replied
“What a meany head,” Patricia said “Mommy and daddy are gonna yell at him, right?”
“Not exactly, Patricia. You see, the way he hurt me he can go to jail. I’m still a child like you and it’s against the law for a man to try and make a baby with a child.”
“So he did something really bad to you, didn’t he?” my sister asked. She sounded sad.
“Yes, very bad.” I sighed.
“Well, I hope he goes to jail too,” Patricia said. She reached around to give me a hug “Nobody hurts my big sister.”
Chapter 8
School registration was today, and since the high school and elementary school were only a few blocks away my mom, Patricia, and I decided we would walk. My sophomore year of high school started in two weeks and Patricia would be entering the first grade.
A long row of paperwork and fliers lined the front entrance of the high school. Each piece of paper a different color. The white one was general information, and sat next to a stack of calendars. Next to that was the school picture order form followed by different flyers for open house, and different events at the school. Before any of that I still had to pick up a course book and scheduling information. My mom ran into the school office to pick up a booklet while I held our place in line.
At least fifty other students and parents were in front of us; I stood nervously glancing about the hallway. I was just another new student in the hallway, but soon I would start to have a baby bump. I pondered what other students would think about me while I stood in line holding my sisters hand. Teenagers clustered into groups with their friends. No one aknowleged me, but I figured that a lot of these people had known each other since grade school. I could hear gossip about their summers, some went on trips, some stayed home and worked, others just stayed home and spent time with their friends.
I didn’t have anyone to talk to, but my summer wasn’t so pleasant. I went to a party. Got raped. Got pregnant. Moved. I don’t think anyone could ask for a worse summer than that. Not that anyone cared, but it angered me to hear about everyone elses wonderful summers.
“You okay, Kristen?” Patricia asked.
“I’m fine, Patricia. I’m just mad.”
“Why are you mad?”
“See the big kids over there talking,” Patricia nodded “They’re all talking about their summers, and a lot of them went on trips and hung out with their friends, and some worked all summer.”
“You Hung out with Alicia and Mandi and you went to a party,” Patricia said “And we moved.”
“That’s it, Patricia. We moved. Moving and going on vacation are different. Moving is permanent and usually unpleasant. A Vacation is temporary and usually pleasant. Also, remember that I got hurt at that party, so it wasn’t very fun.”
“Oh yeah,” Alicia said “Well, I’m mad too. I’m mad that someone hurt you.”
By the time my mom returned with my course book Patricia and I had inched up a little bit in line. She handed me the thick spiral bound course book and a green selection form. “All we need to do is stop in the guidance office once you’re registered.”
I sat on a bench next to the gym doors that were across from the line of people. I started out with my core classes, since those I had to take. English 10, World History, Biology, Biology, and health II were all mandatory. So was gym, but I could choose between two different classes: Gym A and Gym B. Gym A included flag football, soccer, softball, and basketball. Gym B included tennis, swimming, tumbling, and Frisbee golf. Gym class has never been a favorite of mine since I’ve never been athletic, but Gym B caught my interest the most. If I wanted to go on to college I needed at least another year of foreign language so I decided to continue with Spanish and take Spanish II.
I still had enough room for 2 more half-credit classes. For each of those I chose intro to graphic design and Foods I. I figured those would be good choices for me, to take just for fun, and maybe learn a few things since honestly I have no idea what I plan on doing after high school. Come graduation I’m going to have a two year old little boy or girl, and I’m not sure what I’m going to be thinking about. College has been in my plan since middle school, but since I’m having a baby I might have to put that on hold.
When I stepped back into line to meet up with my mom and my sister there were just 10 people ahead of us. I handed my mom the course book and the form with my selections. Once our turn came we handed our forms to the woman at the table in front of us, who sent us down a hallway to the left so I could get my ID and yearbook pictures taken. After that we were sent to the guidance office where I would get my schedule. Everyone who signed up for courses in February already had their schedules mailed to them.
My mom and I walked into the guidance office. A long gray counter lined the front of it and a woman sat behind it. She looked about fifty with graying hair that hit her shoulders.
“Who would my daughter talk to about scheduling?” my mom asked.
“Could I get a last name?” the woman behind the counter asked.
“Thorne.” my mom replied.
“Last name is St-Z, she’d talk to Ms. Whittaker on the far right. I believe she’s still in her office.”
“Thank you,” my mom said as we turned to the right.
Ms. Whittaker was sitting at her desk, her eyes focused on her computer screen. She looked up as my mom and I walked in. Patricia sat in a chair outside of Ms. Whittaker’s office. She looked young and fresh out of college.
“I was told you could help schedule me.” I said.
“Could I get a name?” she asked.
“Kristen Thorne, with an “E” at the end. I’m new here,” I took a seat in one of the blue chairs in front of her desk.”
“What grade are you going into and where are you transferring from?” she asked.
“A sophomore, and Sheboygan North.” I replied. Ms Whittaker typed in the information and I handed her the form with my course selections. She unquenched in the code numbers for each of my courses.
“This look right to you?” she asked.
I glanced through the schedule, Health II, English 10, Homeroom, Geometry, Early Lunch, World History, Biology, Foods I, and French II.
“They’re all there,” I said as Ms. Whittaker printed out my schedule.
“Thank you for stopping by, and enjoy the rest of your day.”
“We will.” my mom said.
Our next stop was the elementary school. We walked across the street and sow Lindsey walking into the school with Kenzie and Levi.
“My new friends!” Patricia squealed as she ran up to Kenzie and Levi.
“Patricia!” shouted Levi.
“Nice seeing you guys again,” said Lindsey as we walked into the elementary school. “Registering your kids for school too?”
“Just finished getting Kristen registered, and now we’re getting Patricia taken care of.
“We’re going school supply shopping after I get Kenzie and Levi registered.”
“We’re going tomorrow.” My mom replied.
“We’re going to all be in the same class together, Patricia!” Kenzie chimed in.
“That will be so awesome!” Patricia said.
“You want to go outside and play on the playground?” Levi asked.
“I’ll ask my mom, Patricia replied. “Mom, can I go outside and play with Levi and Kenzie?”
“As long as Kristen keeps an eye on you guys.”
“I agree,” Lindsey chimed in “I don’t want you guys out there by yourselves.”
“Kristen,“ my sister begged “Will you go outside with us?”
“If you really want me to.” I replied.
“Please Kristen,” my mom said “Just keep an eye on them.”
“Fine,” I said “Come on guys lets go outside.”
Outside I took a seat on a bench near the playground while Kenzie, Patricia, and Levi ran towards a tire swing on the play ground.
“Push us, Kristen! Push us really high!” Patricia yelled.”
Reluctantly I got up. I really didn’t want to be outside in this heat, and being pregnant didn’t help.
“Okay guys,” I said “Hold on tight!” I started spinning the swing then pushed it as high as I could lift it. The three of them screamed in excitement, although watching the swing move back and forth nauseated me.
“Again! Again,” They yelled as the swing came to a stop.
“Okay, here it goes,” I said “I’m going to go even faster so don’t get sick!”
“We won’t!” Levi said “We like going fast. It’s the best!”
For the next thirty minutes I continued pushing them on the swing. I’d never seen my sister have this much fun with her friends in a long time. The whole time she was on the swing with Levi and Kenzie she was giggling, Laughing and having a great time. I wish I could’ve gone on without feeling sick.
Kenzie and Levi’s mom walked up to the playground “You’re great with them.” said Lindsey.
“Thanks,” I said shyly “I always watch Patricia and I used to baby-sit my neighbor’s little boy back in Sheboygan, but he’s only two.”
“Speaking of that, you’re mom told me you’re looking to earn some extra money. I was wondering if you could watch Kenzie and Levi every now and then. I’d pay you between $10 and $20 every time.”
“Sounds good, they’re such wonderful kids and Patricia loves being with them.”
“Great!” Lindsey replied “Your mom already gave me your phone number, so I’ll call when I need you.”
“Awesome!” I said.
“Kenzie, Levi! Time to go!”
“Can Kristen push us once again?” Kenzie asked.
“One more time, then we have to go and buy school supplies.”
“Ready?” I asked them “I’m going to go really, really fast this time! 1...2...3.” I gave the three of them another push on the swing.
“They’ll have so much fun with you as a sitter,” Lindsey said “And I’m sure that you’ll be a great mom when you decide to have children.”
“Really?” I asked shyly
“From what you mom’s told me and just seeing you with my kids, I can see you’re pretty good with them.”
“Uh, thanks, I replied thinking about the little life growing inside of me.
“Come on Levi, come on Kenzie we got to get going now.”
“Aw come on, mom.” Kenzie stammered.
“We have to go buy school supplies. You’ll get to see Kristen and Patricia later. Patricia’s going to be your new babysitter.”
“Really, asked Levi. “That’s so cool!”
“Bye Kristen! Bye Patricia, The three of them shouted as the walked back towards the elementary school.
Patricia and I followed a few feet behind them too meet up with our mom. While we tagged behind I looked down at my stomach to talk to the little one inside me.
“I hope I’m a good mother.” I whispered.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Innocent and Pure, Unlike ME Chapters Five and Six
Oh yay! Look a bonus. Two chapers today. They're both short.
Chapter 5
Tomorrow we leave for Abbottsford. I had to tell my mom today. After all, they always say that “The truth will set you free.” When I woke up this morning that quote was the first thing I thought of. Would I really be free once my parents heard the news? How would I tell my little sister? She’s at that age where she starts asking where babies come from, and I don’t know how much my parents want her to know. I know Patricia knew a few things, but I was unsure if my parents had told her about sex. My parents were pretty open about the subject. They figured if Patricia wanted to know something they’d tell her, but they never told her too much. They didn’t want to scare her.
Today I’d find sometime alone with my parents to tell them what had happened. I had a feeling I should probably address my mom about this first not knowing how my dad would react. So, I waited for that moment. I was packing away my winter clothes when my mom came in with some more empty cardboard boxes.
“Mom,” I said as I sorted through some old clothes of mine, pondering what I’d take with and what I’d donate “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”
She set down the cardboard boxes on my floor, alert by the words that spilled from my mouth.
“What is it?” she asked.
“I don’t really know how to explain this to you.”
“Explain what?” she asked in a soft voice.
“I’m pregnant, mom. I’m pregnant.” I whispered.
My mom held a hand up to her mouth and turned away. I could tell that she was about to cry when I saw a tear fall down her face. I hated when my mom started to cry, I never knew whether it scared me or made me want to cry as well, but my whole body would start to tremble and shake. I couldn’t make eye contact with her during those times. I couldn’t react. I was afraid to confront her.
“Kristen,” my mom started to say, “How could you be so irresponsible? Do you realize how much I’ve struggled to provide for you? Does that mean anything? I was only 16 when you were born.”
“But mom,” I continued as I tied shut a bag of clothes to be donated to goodwill. “I couldn’t tell him no, and I don’t know who he was.”
“Why couldn’t you say no, Kristen? You know I taught you to say no and back away when you were in an uncomfortable situation.”
“I was drinking,” I confessed “At Kateena’s party that was actually at her brother’s apartment. I didn’t have much, but after two beers I don’t remember anything that happened, although rumor has it that Cassidy may have put something in my drink.” “Kristen Marie Thorne, I’m going to be honest with you. I didn’t like Cassidy or Kateena very much to begin with, but they were your friends, and I accepted that. Now, I feel terrible, like I should’ve pushed them away from you. You would’ve hated me for it, and we would’ve fought much more, but maybe you wouldn’t be, well I can’t even convince myself, pregnant.
“It’s okay mom,” I explained “We all make mistakes and mine was a huge one.”
“Rape wasn’t the mistake, Kristen. Whatever was in your system kept you from saying no, and you’re still under 18. The drinking and partying that was your mistake.”
“I now realize that,” I said as I continued packing away my belongings “I’m sorry.” My mom reached over to give me a tight hug.
“I’m still disappointed in you for lying to me Kristen, but you’ve learned your lesson.”
“From that experience,” I said “I don’t think I’ll drink ever again, at least until I’m 21.”
“Now, that asshole who knocked you up, I’d like to see him get locked away for a very long time.”
********
Mandi stood outside with Brad and Alex and Alicia stopped over before work to all say goodbye. We’d leave first thing in the morning after saying goodbye. Mom, Patricia, and I would take our van and dad’s pick up would be secured on a platform attached to the moving truck. Before we left I was sure to hug Alicia, Mandi, Brad and Alex before I left.
“You better call me!” Mandi said.
“Me too!” Chimed Alicia.
“You know I will,” I replied as I got into the front seat of my mom’s minivan, “See you guys soon, I hope.”
“Bye!” my friends shouted in unison.
I waved goodbye out the window shouting “I’ll miss you guys.”
I could see Mandi holding Alex up as he waved goodbye to me. Once we left my street I put my headphones in my ears and listened to my I-pod. My stomach got a little queasy when we got on the entrance ramp to the highway. I was glad I couldn’t drive yet. I could barely look down the road not driving.
I usually don’t get carsick when I’m riding in a car, but since I discovered that I’m pregnant, just looking down the road nauseates me. Need I mention that because I’m pregnant we’ve made a lot more bathroom stops than usual. Instead of just two stops, over the course of 3 ½ hours we’ve made a stop every thirty minutes, all because I had to pee.
Even Patricia is annoyed with all the stops we’ve made. She’s only six and she gets impatient during long car rides. The fact that I’ve had to pee every thirty minutes hasn’t been helping much either. She’s sitting in the back of the car behind me, her feet dangling from her booster seat, one of them continually kicking me in the back. I’m in the front sitting in the passenger seat next to my mom. We haven’t said much to each other, except mentioning that I have to pee, and we need to stop NOW.
My dad’s driving the moving truck, and he’s a few miles ahead of us because he got annoyed with us stopping so many times. I secretly wish my mom had sent my sister to ride with my dad in the moving truck. She’s getting to be a real pain; continually repeating “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mommy, are we there yet.” Even the headphones on my I-pod don’t drown her voice out. If she’d stop kicking me, and if I wasn’t so emotional right now, it may not have bothered me so much.
“Could we get something to eat?” Patricia asked a little less than halfway there.
“Next time Kristen needs to stop.” my mom replied
“That’s going to have to be pretty soon.” I said.
“We’ll grab something at the next exit.” my mom said. We were somewhere in the middle of Green Bay, and there weren’t a lot of exits for the next 50 miles. We stopped at a gas station with a burger kind attached to it. My mom and I both ordered chicken fry meals, and Patricia got a chicken nugget kids meal with chocolate milk and fries. I decided to drink my soda slowly so I wouldn’t pee myself for the next few miles, and if I needed to I’d let Patricia have mine. My mom doesn’t want Patricia drinking soda, but I got iced tea instead of soda, so my mom won’t mind.
Chapter 6
Mom’s talking to the neighbors already I see. At the moment I’m just staring out my upstairs bedroom window to get a view of the neighborhood. Old houses line the streets, and just down the block I can see the high school. I’ll definitely be walking this year, and come March or April I’ll probably be pushing a stroller down that same street. Mom told me that she’d schedule a doctor’s appointment for me sometime this week at the clinic.
She told me that our neighbor’s name is Lindsey and she had a twin boy and girl that are going into the first grade, just like Patricia. Their named are Levi and Kenzie. Kenzie looks a lot like her mother with straight, long, strawberry blonde hair. Levi looks like his sister except for the fact that he is a boy and his hair is very short. Levi and Kenzie are both running through a turtle-shaped sprinkler in their front yard while their mom and my mom sit and chat in the two lawn chairs on her wooden porch.
Mom keeps telling me to come outside and enjoy the fresh air. I’ve had no reason to venture out yet, but I may take a short walk later on when I call Cassidy. I feel like a complete fool right now, I should’ve asked her about that night before we moved. I’m not even sure if my phone is going to get reception up here, and our house phone won’t be up until tomorrow. I think I’ll get reception up here, although I haven’t used my phone since about an hour before we came here, but I did have full service. But, I think I’m going to stroll through town and familiarize myself with my new surroundings. As much as I don’t want to I should really give Cassidy a call.
“Mom!” I yelled out the bedroom window “I’m going for a walk!”
“Okay, Kristen. Don’t get lost!” she replied ‘That’s my oldest daughter Kristen.,” she said to Lindsey “She’s going to be a sophomore at the high school.”
“She looks just like you,” Lindsey said as I walked out the front door with my cell phone in hand.
“Kristen, come say hello to our neighbor,” my mom said as I walked past. I walked up the path to Lindsey’s front door trying to avoid being sprayed by the cildrens’ sprinkler toy.
“Um hi,” I said searching through the numbers on my phone. “I’m Kristen.”
“Lindsey,” our neighbor said “That’s Kenzie and Levi running through the sprinkler over there. Is Patricia home?”
“I think she’s out with our dad looking for stuff for her bedroom,” I replied “That what they went to do, right mom?”
“Yeah, they should be back shortly. I’ll ask when she gets home if she wants to play with Kenzie and Levi.”
My mom handed me three singles. “By the way,” she said Lindsey told me about this really good ice cram place downtown. Here’s a few bucks. Go ahead and get yourself something.”
“Um, thanks mom,” I said putting the cash in my wallet.
I started walking and a few blocks down the road I saw a sign shaped like an ice cream cone. “Must be the place mom told me about.”
II walked in. There were four or five tables along the front window and a counter right behind. I went up to the counter to place my order. A man strolled up to the counter. He looked like he was in his late fifities or early sixties.
“What can I get for you young lady?” he asked
I thought for a moment. “A watermelon sherbet sounds good. I’ll get a large.”
“A little thing like you, eating all that ice cream?” the man asked.
I nodded and laughed, “I’ll have it done in a snap!” I told him.
“If you insist,” He said jokingly “Your total is $2.89.”
I handed him the three dollars I had in my wallet, and he handed me my change.
“Eleven cents,” he said “Enjoy.”
“I’m sure I will,” I replied as I walked out the door. There were a few tables outside of the store and I decided I would take a seat and call Cassidy.
When she picked of the phone the first thing I asked was “Hey, you remember that party last month?” I didn’t care about being polite, after all Cassidy Winters had no class what so ever.
“Which party?” she asked, “I went to eight of them last month.”
“You know,” I said to her “The one after eighth grade formal.”
“Ohhhh, that one,” she replied “Good times.”
“It may have been fun for you,” I snapped, “but not so much for me!”
“You were pretty smashed,” she replied “Had a bad hangover the next morning didn’t you?”
“Worse than that,” I replied to her “Try a whole month of morning sickness that still hasn’t passed!”
“You mean,” she said “ Damn. How’d that happen?”
“You’d know damn well yourself, Cassidy Winters.” I snapped again. The father and two kids biking past must’ve thought I was crazy.
“Know what?” she asked.
“You’re so stupid sometimes,” I replied “You know those blue pills that were on the night table in Jake’s room when I woke up that morning?”
“Oh, those must’ve been Jake’s.”
“That’s bull,” I said to her “My best friend Mandi went to school with your sister and she knows what kind of stuff you guys deal.”
“Just cause I deal it doesn’t mean I touch it!” Cassidy explained.
“That’s not the case with your sister,” I said. “But, getting back to why I called you, do you know who slept with me, cause I heard you and Kateena are going around telling everyone I’m a little slut.”
I could hear my plastic spoon squeaking against the bowl as I scooped up the last spoonful of sherbet. I split my spoon in half out of anger. Cassidy was causing me a lot of frustration.
“I don’t know, Kristen. Could you stop harassing me?” she asked, “They were all friends of Kateena’s brother. I didn’t know any of them.”
“Yeah right,” I said “You know Mario, your ex boyfriend was with me while you were messing with another guy on the couch, you worthless slut.”
Cassidy was about to say something, but I hung up before she could say a word.
Cassidy tired to call my again, but I did not answer. I was sick of listening to her lies, and I preferred not to deal with her any longer. Cassidy called me a slut. I heard it all. Alicia and I both witnessed her conversation in the dressing room at Kohls. Still, I am without a single answer. I’d call Kateena, but I doubt I’d get more out of her than I got from Cassidy, and I don’t have her brother’s number either. Besides, it would be a little awkward for me to call him since I only met him once.
After I hung up on Cassidy I walked back home and checked the mail. The usual bills and magazine subscriptions filled our mailbox, but there was also a blank white envelope addressed to me. I put the envelope in my shorts pocket and set the rest of the mail on the kitchen table. I started to tear the envelope open as I ran upstairs. The letter inside was folded three times. I unfolded it and sat on my bed. It read:
Kristen Thorne:
“You’ve tested negative for HIV, HPV, and other sexually transmitted diseases. You’re iron levels are normal and you have no signs of breast cancer. You’re pregnancy test was positive.”
“What a relief,” I thought as I folded the letter up and stuck it in the drawer on my night stand.
Chapter 5
Tomorrow we leave for Abbottsford. I had to tell my mom today. After all, they always say that “The truth will set you free.” When I woke up this morning that quote was the first thing I thought of. Would I really be free once my parents heard the news? How would I tell my little sister? She’s at that age where she starts asking where babies come from, and I don’t know how much my parents want her to know. I know Patricia knew a few things, but I was unsure if my parents had told her about sex. My parents were pretty open about the subject. They figured if Patricia wanted to know something they’d tell her, but they never told her too much. They didn’t want to scare her.
Today I’d find sometime alone with my parents to tell them what had happened. I had a feeling I should probably address my mom about this first not knowing how my dad would react. So, I waited for that moment. I was packing away my winter clothes when my mom came in with some more empty cardboard boxes.
“Mom,” I said as I sorted through some old clothes of mine, pondering what I’d take with and what I’d donate “There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you.”
She set down the cardboard boxes on my floor, alert by the words that spilled from my mouth.
“What is it?” she asked.
“I don’t really know how to explain this to you.”
“Explain what?” she asked in a soft voice.
“I’m pregnant, mom. I’m pregnant.” I whispered.
My mom held a hand up to her mouth and turned away. I could tell that she was about to cry when I saw a tear fall down her face. I hated when my mom started to cry, I never knew whether it scared me or made me want to cry as well, but my whole body would start to tremble and shake. I couldn’t make eye contact with her during those times. I couldn’t react. I was afraid to confront her.
“Kristen,” my mom started to say, “How could you be so irresponsible? Do you realize how much I’ve struggled to provide for you? Does that mean anything? I was only 16 when you were born.”
“But mom,” I continued as I tied shut a bag of clothes to be donated to goodwill. “I couldn’t tell him no, and I don’t know who he was.”
“Why couldn’t you say no, Kristen? You know I taught you to say no and back away when you were in an uncomfortable situation.”
“I was drinking,” I confessed “At Kateena’s party that was actually at her brother’s apartment. I didn’t have much, but after two beers I don’t remember anything that happened, although rumor has it that Cassidy may have put something in my drink.” “Kristen Marie Thorne, I’m going to be honest with you. I didn’t like Cassidy or Kateena very much to begin with, but they were your friends, and I accepted that. Now, I feel terrible, like I should’ve pushed them away from you. You would’ve hated me for it, and we would’ve fought much more, but maybe you wouldn’t be, well I can’t even convince myself, pregnant.
“It’s okay mom,” I explained “We all make mistakes and mine was a huge one.”
“Rape wasn’t the mistake, Kristen. Whatever was in your system kept you from saying no, and you’re still under 18. The drinking and partying that was your mistake.”
“I now realize that,” I said as I continued packing away my belongings “I’m sorry.” My mom reached over to give me a tight hug.
“I’m still disappointed in you for lying to me Kristen, but you’ve learned your lesson.”
“From that experience,” I said “I don’t think I’ll drink ever again, at least until I’m 21.”
“Now, that asshole who knocked you up, I’d like to see him get locked away for a very long time.”
********
Mandi stood outside with Brad and Alex and Alicia stopped over before work to all say goodbye. We’d leave first thing in the morning after saying goodbye. Mom, Patricia, and I would take our van and dad’s pick up would be secured on a platform attached to the moving truck. Before we left I was sure to hug Alicia, Mandi, Brad and Alex before I left.
“You better call me!” Mandi said.
“Me too!” Chimed Alicia.
“You know I will,” I replied as I got into the front seat of my mom’s minivan, “See you guys soon, I hope.”
“Bye!” my friends shouted in unison.
I waved goodbye out the window shouting “I’ll miss you guys.”
I could see Mandi holding Alex up as he waved goodbye to me. Once we left my street I put my headphones in my ears and listened to my I-pod. My stomach got a little queasy when we got on the entrance ramp to the highway. I was glad I couldn’t drive yet. I could barely look down the road not driving.
I usually don’t get carsick when I’m riding in a car, but since I discovered that I’m pregnant, just looking down the road nauseates me. Need I mention that because I’m pregnant we’ve made a lot more bathroom stops than usual. Instead of just two stops, over the course of 3 ½ hours we’ve made a stop every thirty minutes, all because I had to pee.
Even Patricia is annoyed with all the stops we’ve made. She’s only six and she gets impatient during long car rides. The fact that I’ve had to pee every thirty minutes hasn’t been helping much either. She’s sitting in the back of the car behind me, her feet dangling from her booster seat, one of them continually kicking me in the back. I’m in the front sitting in the passenger seat next to my mom. We haven’t said much to each other, except mentioning that I have to pee, and we need to stop NOW.
My dad’s driving the moving truck, and he’s a few miles ahead of us because he got annoyed with us stopping so many times. I secretly wish my mom had sent my sister to ride with my dad in the moving truck. She’s getting to be a real pain; continually repeating “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Mommy, are we there yet.” Even the headphones on my I-pod don’t drown her voice out. If she’d stop kicking me, and if I wasn’t so emotional right now, it may not have bothered me so much.
“Could we get something to eat?” Patricia asked a little less than halfway there.
“Next time Kristen needs to stop.” my mom replied
“That’s going to have to be pretty soon.” I said.
“We’ll grab something at the next exit.” my mom said. We were somewhere in the middle of Green Bay, and there weren’t a lot of exits for the next 50 miles. We stopped at a gas station with a burger kind attached to it. My mom and I both ordered chicken fry meals, and Patricia got a chicken nugget kids meal with chocolate milk and fries. I decided to drink my soda slowly so I wouldn’t pee myself for the next few miles, and if I needed to I’d let Patricia have mine. My mom doesn’t want Patricia drinking soda, but I got iced tea instead of soda, so my mom won’t mind.
Chapter 6
Mom’s talking to the neighbors already I see. At the moment I’m just staring out my upstairs bedroom window to get a view of the neighborhood. Old houses line the streets, and just down the block I can see the high school. I’ll definitely be walking this year, and come March or April I’ll probably be pushing a stroller down that same street. Mom told me that she’d schedule a doctor’s appointment for me sometime this week at the clinic.
She told me that our neighbor’s name is Lindsey and she had a twin boy and girl that are going into the first grade, just like Patricia. Their named are Levi and Kenzie. Kenzie looks a lot like her mother with straight, long, strawberry blonde hair. Levi looks like his sister except for the fact that he is a boy and his hair is very short. Levi and Kenzie are both running through a turtle-shaped sprinkler in their front yard while their mom and my mom sit and chat in the two lawn chairs on her wooden porch.
Mom keeps telling me to come outside and enjoy the fresh air. I’ve had no reason to venture out yet, but I may take a short walk later on when I call Cassidy. I feel like a complete fool right now, I should’ve asked her about that night before we moved. I’m not even sure if my phone is going to get reception up here, and our house phone won’t be up until tomorrow. I think I’ll get reception up here, although I haven’t used my phone since about an hour before we came here, but I did have full service. But, I think I’m going to stroll through town and familiarize myself with my new surroundings. As much as I don’t want to I should really give Cassidy a call.
“Mom!” I yelled out the bedroom window “I’m going for a walk!”
“Okay, Kristen. Don’t get lost!” she replied ‘That’s my oldest daughter Kristen.,” she said to Lindsey “She’s going to be a sophomore at the high school.”
“She looks just like you,” Lindsey said as I walked out the front door with my cell phone in hand.
“Kristen, come say hello to our neighbor,” my mom said as I walked past. I walked up the path to Lindsey’s front door trying to avoid being sprayed by the cildrens’ sprinkler toy.
“Um hi,” I said searching through the numbers on my phone. “I’m Kristen.”
“Lindsey,” our neighbor said “That’s Kenzie and Levi running through the sprinkler over there. Is Patricia home?”
“I think she’s out with our dad looking for stuff for her bedroom,” I replied “That what they went to do, right mom?”
“Yeah, they should be back shortly. I’ll ask when she gets home if she wants to play with Kenzie and Levi.”
My mom handed me three singles. “By the way,” she said Lindsey told me about this really good ice cram place downtown. Here’s a few bucks. Go ahead and get yourself something.”
“Um, thanks mom,” I said putting the cash in my wallet.
I started walking and a few blocks down the road I saw a sign shaped like an ice cream cone. “Must be the place mom told me about.”
II walked in. There were four or five tables along the front window and a counter right behind. I went up to the counter to place my order. A man strolled up to the counter. He looked like he was in his late fifities or early sixties.
“What can I get for you young lady?” he asked
I thought for a moment. “A watermelon sherbet sounds good. I’ll get a large.”
“A little thing like you, eating all that ice cream?” the man asked.
I nodded and laughed, “I’ll have it done in a snap!” I told him.
“If you insist,” He said jokingly “Your total is $2.89.”
I handed him the three dollars I had in my wallet, and he handed me my change.
“Eleven cents,” he said “Enjoy.”
“I’m sure I will,” I replied as I walked out the door. There were a few tables outside of the store and I decided I would take a seat and call Cassidy.
When she picked of the phone the first thing I asked was “Hey, you remember that party last month?” I didn’t care about being polite, after all Cassidy Winters had no class what so ever.
“Which party?” she asked, “I went to eight of them last month.”
“You know,” I said to her “The one after eighth grade formal.”
“Ohhhh, that one,” she replied “Good times.”
“It may have been fun for you,” I snapped, “but not so much for me!”
“You were pretty smashed,” she replied “Had a bad hangover the next morning didn’t you?”
“Worse than that,” I replied to her “Try a whole month of morning sickness that still hasn’t passed!”
“You mean,” she said “ Damn. How’d that happen?”
“You’d know damn well yourself, Cassidy Winters.” I snapped again. The father and two kids biking past must’ve thought I was crazy.
“Know what?” she asked.
“You’re so stupid sometimes,” I replied “You know those blue pills that were on the night table in Jake’s room when I woke up that morning?”
“Oh, those must’ve been Jake’s.”
“That’s bull,” I said to her “My best friend Mandi went to school with your sister and she knows what kind of stuff you guys deal.”
“Just cause I deal it doesn’t mean I touch it!” Cassidy explained.
“That’s not the case with your sister,” I said. “But, getting back to why I called you, do you know who slept with me, cause I heard you and Kateena are going around telling everyone I’m a little slut.”
I could hear my plastic spoon squeaking against the bowl as I scooped up the last spoonful of sherbet. I split my spoon in half out of anger. Cassidy was causing me a lot of frustration.
“I don’t know, Kristen. Could you stop harassing me?” she asked, “They were all friends of Kateena’s brother. I didn’t know any of them.”
“Yeah right,” I said “You know Mario, your ex boyfriend was with me while you were messing with another guy on the couch, you worthless slut.”
Cassidy was about to say something, but I hung up before she could say a word.
Cassidy tired to call my again, but I did not answer. I was sick of listening to her lies, and I preferred not to deal with her any longer. Cassidy called me a slut. I heard it all. Alicia and I both witnessed her conversation in the dressing room at Kohls. Still, I am without a single answer. I’d call Kateena, but I doubt I’d get more out of her than I got from Cassidy, and I don’t have her brother’s number either. Besides, it would be a little awkward for me to call him since I only met him once.
After I hung up on Cassidy I walked back home and checked the mail. The usual bills and magazine subscriptions filled our mailbox, but there was also a blank white envelope addressed to me. I put the envelope in my shorts pocket and set the rest of the mail on the kitchen table. I started to tear the envelope open as I ran upstairs. The letter inside was folded three times. I unfolded it and sat on my bed. It read:
Kristen Thorne:
“You’ve tested negative for HIV, HPV, and other sexually transmitted diseases. You’re iron levels are normal and you have no signs of breast cancer. You’re pregnancy test was positive.”
“What a relief,” I thought as I folded the letter up and stuck it in the drawer on my night stand.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Innocent and Pure, Unlike Me Chapter Four
Chapter 4
The 16th at 2:30PM is the next available appointment they had at Planned Parenthood. Today is the 13th and we move on the 28th. That’s a relief. Mandi told me she’d drive me over there if I wasn’t ready to give my parents the news yet. I know at this moment I’m not ready. I can’t even tell them that there was alcohol at the party. All I told them was that I was going with Cassidy to Kateena’s house. But, I didn’t tell her what I was going to be doing there. It’s not like I can have an abortion either. The idea of having a life yanked outside of you just frightens me. I have less than three months before anything becomes obvious, so I’d have to tell them soon. That’s it. My goal is to tell them before we move. That gives me two weeks, but it’s not going to be easy. I realize that. Mandi had to do the same thing, except she was 17. I’m only 15.
This poem I dedicated to the jerk that put me in this awful situation.
PS: I hope your dick gets chopped off and fed to a thousand hungry dogs.
You’re name is unknown
And a face I can’t even paint in my head
A face out of many unrecognizebable
Invisible and unclear
Because of you my tears
Soak down to my bed sheets
Beyond the pillow
A pillow I turn to when I search for a name
A name for the father
Of my unborn child
Innocent and pure
Unlike me
Never been kissed
Unlike me
Absolutely perfect
Unlike me.
********
I walked over to Mandi’s first thing that afternoon. It is 12:30PM and today is the 16th. In two hours I would be entering the Planned Parenthood building for my appointment. I’d allow a complete stranger to stick a metal device inside of me. But, it’s better to be safe then to wake up to “crotch crickets” of some strange growth the next morning. I haven’t seen anything suspicious down there yet, but it’s best to be safe.
I told Mandi I was scared of having that metal thing up my crotch.
“It’s called a speculum, sweetie. Just think of it as a duck bill.”
“That doesn’t help much, they bite.” I said
“But crabs pinch!” she replied
“That’s not funny.” I said giving her a snotty look.
“Relax Kristen. It’s not that bad, I’ve had a pap test done twice already.”
“I know, Mandi. I just don’t like the idea of being poked around up there with a metal rod. It makes me wonder how much worse those devices they use for abortions are.”
“You’re not getting an abortion, are you, Kristen?” Mandi was in the bathroom applying some black eyeliner.
“Hell no,” I said “It’s bad enough I’m getting a pap test done.”
“That’s good,” said Mandi “Even if the father was an asshole there’s still a life inside of you. But, have you decided whether you’re going to keep or put the baby up for adoption?”
I pondered for a moment. “I might sound crazy, and it’s not going to be easy, but I think I’m going to keep the baby. It’s still a part of me after all.”
“You don’t sound crazy at all, Kristen. But, you better get a job besides babysitting cause having a kid of your own isn’t cheap.”
“I know. I turn sixteen in October and I’m going to look for something then.”
“Good. Cause $50 a week from babysitting is going to barely keep the kid in diapers. You’d be surprised how many diapers your kid’s gonna go through.”
“I don’t even want to think about it,” I said. Brad was on his knees following Alex down the hall.
“I’m taking Alex to his swim lessons, and we’re going to run a few errands afterwards.” Said Brad.
“That works,” Mandi replied “I have to take Kristen to her appointment this afternoon. You can take my car, just make sure Alex’s car seat is belted in.” Mandi tossed her keys to Brad.
“Thanks honey,” he said as he handed Alex the keys to the truck “Go give those to mommy and hug her goodbye.”
Alex hobbled over to his mom and I “Why thank you Alex,” Mandi said as the little boy wrapped his arms around her. “Goodbye, have a good time with daddy.”
“Bye mommy, bye Kristen.” He ran up and hugged me as well.
“Bye you guys,” I replied “Have a good time at swimming lessons, Alex!” Brad scooped up Alex who was waving goodbye to us and walked out to the car with him.
“Guess we should get going soon.” Said Mandi. I looked at the clock on her microwave. It was shortly after two.
I nodded. Mandi finished brushing her hair and pulling it back into a high ponytail. She was wearing a pair of ripped jeans, a Slipknot shirt and a pair of black flip-flop sandals. She took Brad’s keys out of her pocket, grabbed her purse and we strolled out the front door and buckled into the green pick up truck.
“Don’t be so tense, Kristen. It’s going to be fine.” Mandi started the truck and shifted into reverse.
“I know, but I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. I’m not the girl in school you’d expect that to happen to.”
“I was the same way when I was younger, Kristen. When I was thirteen I told myself that I’d wait until my wedding night to have sex. But, guess what?”
“You met Brad.”
“That’s right. I met Brad in 8th grade. He was friends with Jake who was Angie Winters’ boyfriend at the time. That was before Angie started partying.”
“You guys didn’t date till your sophomore year, did you?”
“We were only friends in middle school. Then Angie invited me to one of Jake’s parties because Brad was there. Brad didn’t drink and neither did I, so for the first two years we dated we were able to get by drinking only soda, and once the two of us started driving we’d take everyone home.”
“Sounds like it worked out pretty well. I wish I was able to avoid the drinking, but I was the only one there who didn’t drink. It was tough.”
“It’s fine Kristen. The two of us reached our breaking point about three years ago, and that was the last of Jake’s parties I went to. Brad and I both got drunk for the first time, and things got pretty hot. We didn’t use any condoms, and well you know the rest.”
“Alex was conceived.”
“Yup,” Mandi said, “First time having sex too, and I was still sober enough for it to hurt!”
“Damn. I didn’t feel anything till the next morning.” I replied. We were turning into the Planned Parenthood parking lot.
“But you were probably drugged. I don’t know what it was, but like you said someone probably spiked your drink.” Mandi turned into a parking space and parked the truck.
“I did see some blue pills with dolphins on the night table next to the bed I woke up in.”
“Ecstasy,” Mandi said, “well, a form of it.”
“You mean the date rape drug?” I asked.
“Exactly,” Mandi replied “And it’s probably why you didn’t feel anything.”
“Shit.” I said
“Angie started dealing that stuff when we were sophomores. I think Cassidy deals it too.”
“I had a feeling she did. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
“You’re too much of a good kid to get involved with those people, and you can be pretty naïve. But, let’s go in and make sure you don’t have anything nasty.”
“I hope not. I don’t want things crawling around down there or growths that make it burn when you pee.”
The two of us walked up to the receptionist desk in the Planned Parenthood office.
“2:30 appointment for Kristen Thorne.” I said in a quiet voice.
The woman at the receptionist desk looked up my name on the computer she had short blonde hair up in a ponytail and was wearing a light pink polo shirt. “Ah ha, Kristen,” she replied, “I’ll need you to fill out these papers.”
I took the packet of papers from the blonde lady’s hands and took s seat on one of the cushioned chairs in the waiting area. Mandi took a seat next to me and started paging through a parenting magazine. There were long tables in front of both rows of chairs and smaller tables on the ends. Both of the long tables each had a basket of condoms in the middle of them with stacks of magazines on each side. A few magazines were scattered on the smaller tables as well. Two girls I recognized from school sat on the opposite end of our row of chairs. Across from us was a mother and daughter who looked about my age. I didn’t know her though, she probably went to South or one of the Christian schools. But, if she’s sexually active, I’m not sure if she’s all that religious. A few seats away from the mother and daughter is a younger woman, a little older than Mandi. She’s holding a baby boy in a blanket and has a daughter About Alex’s age whose playing with one of those maze toys with wooden beads lined up in different rows. I loved those things so much when I was little.
I glanced though the paperwork filling out the basics: name, age, social security number, sex, height, weight, and so on followed by a list medical background questions. The rest was a list of questions about sexual activity that asked how many partners I’d had in the last six months, if I’d had more than one sexual partner at once, if I used contraceptives, and if so what, and so on. It was so awkward answering these questions because although I was raped I still considered myself a virgin. I didn’t remember having sex, but I felt the effects afterwards. It doesn’t help that I’m pregnant either, and that I’ll be showing within a few months. I’d like to pretend none of this happened, but it’s almost inevitable. Whenever I try to forget about that night, the mystery guy I woke up to appears in my head, and once again I’m in a strange bed almost naked.
“Kristen Thorne,” a voice said “I’m ready to see you.”
I turned to see a woman about Mandi’s height with a small frame. She had straight dark brown hair that stopped at her chin and bangs swept to the side. She didn’t look much older than thirty. She wore a set of light pink scrubs with blue flowers on the top and held a wooden clip board.
“I’ll take those, by the way I‘m Kelsey,” she said pointing to the paperwork. I watched as she glanced over everything. “First I’ll take your height and weight, check your blood pressure and temperature, and check your iron. That’ll probably be the most painful, but it’s just a little prick on your finger. After that you’ll go into the exam room where Dr. Gabriel will see you.”
I felt relaxed as stalked me through the process but I still had to ask “Is Dr. Gabriel a woman?” I felt a little uncomfortable having a man examining the inside of my vagina.
“Don’t worry, Kirsten. She’s a woman. I don’t think any men work here.”
I sighed with relief but, I still had Mandi come into the exam room with me. I didn’t want to feel alone like I did shortly after the rape, and I trusted Mandi enough to go into the exam room with me.
“5’10 ½ inches,” Kelsey wrote down my height “And 117 lbs.”
Like most people I hated weighing myself, let alone allowing other people to weigh me. I’d grown another ½” since I last checked and I was still underweight.
“I hate you,” Mandi whispered as we followed Kelsey into the first exam room “You never gain weight, Kristen. Since I’ve known you, you’ve been anywhere between 115 and 117 lbs, while I still have 10 lbs of baby weight on me, and it’s been two years since Alex came out of the womb.”
“Mandi you’re not fat,” I said “I just have a fast metabolism. You can thank my mom for that.”
“I know that feeling. I‘m the same way.” Kelsey chimed in “You eat and eat, but no matter what you don’t gain a pound. It sucks.”
She brought us into a room where she checked my temperature and blood pressure. Both were normal. She looked though the paperwork once again and asked me a few questions.
“You said on here, you’re unsure about your 4th sexual partner, want to explain.”
I hesitated for a moment and finally said “I was drugged and raped. Most of what I know is word of mouth.” I could not believe I’d said that to Kelsey. She was a complete stranger, and my mom still didn’t know I was raped.
“And you believe you’re pregnant?” Kelsey asked
I nodded “The pink lines in the circle showed up almost immediately, so I doubt I’m not,” It took me a few days, but I was finally able to admit to myself that I was pregnant.
“We have a test that’s almost 100% accurate that we’ll have you take right before your pap.”
I nodded again as Kelsey asked me a few more questions. I continued to answer and nod.
“Kristen,” she said “You forgot to fill out the confidentiality information. We need to know what kind of envelope to mail your results in. You’ll be getting them in about two to three weeks.”
“whoops, sorry. A plain white envelope, probably. Also, I’m going to be moving to Abbottsford in less than two weeks so my address is going to be different than the one that was given.”
“Okay, I’ll just have you fill that out and I‘ll have you take our pregnancy test. I‘ll need you to pee in this cup. There‘s a metal door in the bathroom for you to put it in.”
“Okay,” I said taking the pee cup from her hand. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right now, but I had a feeling I’d have to go soon, so I brought the cup with me into the bathroom. I was right. Within a minute I had to pee. For the past few weeks I’d been running to the bathroom like mad. This test would probably end up positive as well. After I peed in the cup I opened the metal door and placed it in the box.
When I came out of the bathroom Kelsey walked me into Dr. Gabriel’s room.
“She’ll be in shortly. You’ll have to take all of your clothes off and lay on this bed. There’s a thin blanket to put over yourself. I’ll go let her know you’re in here.”
Kelsey walked out of the room and I began to undress. “Don’t worry, I won’t look.” Mandi said.
“I don’t care. My belief is if you don’t want to see a girl naked, don’t look. Just don’t try to look or grab.”
Mandi laughed, “You know I’m not like that. Besides it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before, but not on purpose.”
We always went to open swims at the high school or YMCA, so we’d both seen each other naked , but it wasn’t a big deal. Once my clothes were off I got on the bed and had Mandi throw the blanket onto me. Within a minute there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said. It was Dr. Gabriel.
She looked about forty with short, dark, brown hair in a French braid. She was medium height , and a little on the heavyset side. She wore a white coat over a light blue shirt and khaki pants.
“You must be Kristen,” she said looking at me. I managed to nod as she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. “I’m Dr. Gabriel as you might’ve known already.”
She put on a pair of rubber gloves. “Before I go through with your pap I’m going to examine your breasts for any unusual growths or discoloration.”
I pulled my arms in front of my chest. It’s not that I felt uncomfortable having someone touch my breast, but they were so sore I couldn’t even strand to touch them.
“It’s not going to hurt too much, is it?” I asked. “Because I might be pregnant and they’ve been really sensitive.”
“I’ll try not to go to hard,” she said walking over to me “We’ll have your results after we’re done in here. Just tell me if it hurts too much and I’ll stop.”
I nodded as she pulled the blanket off my chest. Her fingertips rubbed gently around my nipples.
“They are very tender,” she said “and they are a little swollen around the nipple.”
“Anything unusual?” I asked shuddering in pain.
“I can’t find anything, but I do believe you’re pregnant.”
“That’s good, nothing I didn’t know about already.”
Dr. Gabriel walked back over to the sing to grab some of her metal tools. “Now I’m going to look for any unusual growths around the genitals,” she used one of her devices to open my crotch. “I don’t see anything, but now to be sure I’m going to use my speculum to go inside and collect a sample. It might look scary, and it may be a little cold and uncomfortable, but I promise it’ll be painless.”
I looked over to Mandi while Dr. Gabriel stuck the device into my vagina. Mandi told me we still had to make another stop before we went home.
“Where?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” she replied.
“And we’re done,” Dr. Gabriel said as she put the speculum into a sanitary container and washed the tools and her hands. “I’ll be out in a moment, and you can change. Before you leave go back to the room where your iron was tested and we’ll have the results for your test. The results for you pap will be mailed to you in two to three weeks.”
“Alright, thank you,” I said as Dr. Gabriel walked out of the room. I threw on my bra and underwear and then my clothes, Mandi and I exited the room. We stopped in the room where my iron was taken. Kelsey was in there.
“Your iron is in normal range, but you are pregnant.”
“Just as I expected.” I replied in disappointment.
“Accidents do happen, and if you’re confused about your options you can always give us or the Planned Parenthood near you a call.”
“Thanks.” I said
“You’re welcome,” Kelsey replied “Have a great day.”
“You too.” I said as Mandi and I walked out the door.
“Where are we going?” I asked as Mandi and I got into Brad’s truck.
“I reported your rape to the police. I had to tell someone what happened. They want to talk to you at the station.”
“Mandi, you know Sheboygan cops are almost useless!”
“True, but they were the first person I could think of mentioning it to since you don’t want to say anything to your parents yet.”
“True, but honestly, the Sheboygan police?”
“I actually talked to one of the more intelligent ones on the phone, it’s a woman and she wants to speak to you. She told me she’d be in her office until four, and it’s almost 3:30 now, so we should get going.”
“Who was it?” I asked
“Officer Bonnie Smith, I think.”
I’d seen her around before, she had fair skin and blonde hair in a short boyish haircut. I knew of another sexual assault case she’d taken on when a girl in my grade had been sexually harassed online. I don’t remember what state he was from, but he sent her a seductive stalkerish letter, a pair of boxers, and a picture of his penis. She fought to get that guy locked up and succeeded.
“I’ve heard of her,” I replied “She got this guy who was harassing a girl at school locked up last year.”
“I heard about that too,” Mandi said as we walked into the police station.
Officer Smith was still in her office. She sat in a leather chair at her desk and Mandi and I sat in the two wooden chairs across from her.
“This is Kristen?” Officer smith asked pointing to me.
“Yes.” Mandi replied.
“Officer Bonnie Smith,” she said holding her hand out to mine. I held out y right hand to shake hers as well. “You want to tell me what happened on the night of June 13th?”
I bit my lip. I didn’t necessarily want to tell her what happened, but the words just rolled off my tongue. I told her about the alcohol, the pills on the table, the used condom in the trash, and waking up in just a t-shirt and necklace next to a guy I’ve never met before.
“Sounds like a cause of statutory rape,” said officer Smith “Was it just one person who raped you, or more than one?”
“Three or four?” I replied in quiet, squeaky voice.
“Do you know any names?” she asked.
“Jake Wilson, but I don’t know if he did anything with me, and Mario, I believe his last name is Fuentes? I don‘t know who the other two were, and there were ten other guys at the party, although I know two of them didn‘t lay a hand on me. They left to early cause Mandi‘s boyfriend picked them up. They had to work the next morning.”
“Who were the two that you know didn’t touch you?”
“Adam and Derek, Mandi do you know their last names?”
“Adam Lake and Derek Marcus.” Mandi replied
“Thank you, Mandi,” Officer Smith chimed in “Kristen, do you know who else was at the party?”
“I didn’t know anyone there besides Cassidy Winters and Kateena Wilson. She’s Jake Wilson’s little sister.”
Officer Smith asked if I knew how to reach Cassidy, Kateena, Jake, Derek, and Adam. Mandi gave her Adam and Derek’s phone numbers, and I gave her Jake’s address and Cassidy and Kateena’s cell phone numbers.
“Thanks,” Officer Smith said “I’ll try and get a hold of them.”
“Thank you so much!” Mandi replied “Kristen is like a little sister to me, and I won’t put up with anyone hurting her.”
“Well, we’ll make sure we find who all did this to her. There’s no DNA evidence since it’s been so long, but if for some reason you could find that condom it might be just the evidence we need. You, said you were pregnant as well, right Kristen?”
I nodded.
“Once the baby is born we can do a paternity test. If we find out who the baby’s father is we’ll be able to lock one of them up. Do you know of any other evidence we can get?”
“Jake’s bed smelled pretty funky, like he never washes his sheets or anything. There might still be stains on it.”
“Thanks, Kristen. I’ll stop over by Jake’s to collect evidence sometime this week. Here’s my number if you need to reach me. I’ll call you after I collect evidence from Jake’s.”
“Thanks,” I said “Here’s my cell phone number. I’m moving in two weeks so this is your best bet. I’m also not sure if I’m ready to tell my parents yet. They don’t know anything, but I pan on telling them before we move.”
“It’s fine, Kristen. This is totally confidential. I will talk to them when you are ready for me to talk to them.”
“Thank you,” I said as Mandi and I once again shook Officer Smith’s hand and left the station.
The 16th at 2:30PM is the next available appointment they had at Planned Parenthood. Today is the 13th and we move on the 28th. That’s a relief. Mandi told me she’d drive me over there if I wasn’t ready to give my parents the news yet. I know at this moment I’m not ready. I can’t even tell them that there was alcohol at the party. All I told them was that I was going with Cassidy to Kateena’s house. But, I didn’t tell her what I was going to be doing there. It’s not like I can have an abortion either. The idea of having a life yanked outside of you just frightens me. I have less than three months before anything becomes obvious, so I’d have to tell them soon. That’s it. My goal is to tell them before we move. That gives me two weeks, but it’s not going to be easy. I realize that. Mandi had to do the same thing, except she was 17. I’m only 15.
This poem I dedicated to the jerk that put me in this awful situation.
PS: I hope your dick gets chopped off and fed to a thousand hungry dogs.
You’re name is unknown
And a face I can’t even paint in my head
A face out of many unrecognizebable
Invisible and unclear
Because of you my tears
Soak down to my bed sheets
Beyond the pillow
A pillow I turn to when I search for a name
A name for the father
Of my unborn child
Innocent and pure
Unlike me
Never been kissed
Unlike me
Absolutely perfect
Unlike me.
********
I walked over to Mandi’s first thing that afternoon. It is 12:30PM and today is the 16th. In two hours I would be entering the Planned Parenthood building for my appointment. I’d allow a complete stranger to stick a metal device inside of me. But, it’s better to be safe then to wake up to “crotch crickets” of some strange growth the next morning. I haven’t seen anything suspicious down there yet, but it’s best to be safe.
I told Mandi I was scared of having that metal thing up my crotch.
“It’s called a speculum, sweetie. Just think of it as a duck bill.”
“That doesn’t help much, they bite.” I said
“But crabs pinch!” she replied
“That’s not funny.” I said giving her a snotty look.
“Relax Kristen. It’s not that bad, I’ve had a pap test done twice already.”
“I know, Mandi. I just don’t like the idea of being poked around up there with a metal rod. It makes me wonder how much worse those devices they use for abortions are.”
“You’re not getting an abortion, are you, Kristen?” Mandi was in the bathroom applying some black eyeliner.
“Hell no,” I said “It’s bad enough I’m getting a pap test done.”
“That’s good,” said Mandi “Even if the father was an asshole there’s still a life inside of you. But, have you decided whether you’re going to keep or put the baby up for adoption?”
I pondered for a moment. “I might sound crazy, and it’s not going to be easy, but I think I’m going to keep the baby. It’s still a part of me after all.”
“You don’t sound crazy at all, Kristen. But, you better get a job besides babysitting cause having a kid of your own isn’t cheap.”
“I know. I turn sixteen in October and I’m going to look for something then.”
“Good. Cause $50 a week from babysitting is going to barely keep the kid in diapers. You’d be surprised how many diapers your kid’s gonna go through.”
“I don’t even want to think about it,” I said. Brad was on his knees following Alex down the hall.
“I’m taking Alex to his swim lessons, and we’re going to run a few errands afterwards.” Said Brad.
“That works,” Mandi replied “I have to take Kristen to her appointment this afternoon. You can take my car, just make sure Alex’s car seat is belted in.” Mandi tossed her keys to Brad.
“Thanks honey,” he said as he handed Alex the keys to the truck “Go give those to mommy and hug her goodbye.”
Alex hobbled over to his mom and I “Why thank you Alex,” Mandi said as the little boy wrapped his arms around her. “Goodbye, have a good time with daddy.”
“Bye mommy, bye Kristen.” He ran up and hugged me as well.
“Bye you guys,” I replied “Have a good time at swimming lessons, Alex!” Brad scooped up Alex who was waving goodbye to us and walked out to the car with him.
“Guess we should get going soon.” Said Mandi. I looked at the clock on her microwave. It was shortly after two.
I nodded. Mandi finished brushing her hair and pulling it back into a high ponytail. She was wearing a pair of ripped jeans, a Slipknot shirt and a pair of black flip-flop sandals. She took Brad’s keys out of her pocket, grabbed her purse and we strolled out the front door and buckled into the green pick up truck.
“Don’t be so tense, Kristen. It’s going to be fine.” Mandi started the truck and shifted into reverse.
“I know, but I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. I’m not the girl in school you’d expect that to happen to.”
“I was the same way when I was younger, Kristen. When I was thirteen I told myself that I’d wait until my wedding night to have sex. But, guess what?”
“You met Brad.”
“That’s right. I met Brad in 8th grade. He was friends with Jake who was Angie Winters’ boyfriend at the time. That was before Angie started partying.”
“You guys didn’t date till your sophomore year, did you?”
“We were only friends in middle school. Then Angie invited me to one of Jake’s parties because Brad was there. Brad didn’t drink and neither did I, so for the first two years we dated we were able to get by drinking only soda, and once the two of us started driving we’d take everyone home.”
“Sounds like it worked out pretty well. I wish I was able to avoid the drinking, but I was the only one there who didn’t drink. It was tough.”
“It’s fine Kristen. The two of us reached our breaking point about three years ago, and that was the last of Jake’s parties I went to. Brad and I both got drunk for the first time, and things got pretty hot. We didn’t use any condoms, and well you know the rest.”
“Alex was conceived.”
“Yup,” Mandi said, “First time having sex too, and I was still sober enough for it to hurt!”
“Damn. I didn’t feel anything till the next morning.” I replied. We were turning into the Planned Parenthood parking lot.
“But you were probably drugged. I don’t know what it was, but like you said someone probably spiked your drink.” Mandi turned into a parking space and parked the truck.
“I did see some blue pills with dolphins on the night table next to the bed I woke up in.”
“Ecstasy,” Mandi said, “well, a form of it.”
“You mean the date rape drug?” I asked.
“Exactly,” Mandi replied “And it’s probably why you didn’t feel anything.”
“Shit.” I said
“Angie started dealing that stuff when we were sophomores. I think Cassidy deals it too.”
“I had a feeling she did. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
“You’re too much of a good kid to get involved with those people, and you can be pretty naïve. But, let’s go in and make sure you don’t have anything nasty.”
“I hope not. I don’t want things crawling around down there or growths that make it burn when you pee.”
The two of us walked up to the receptionist desk in the Planned Parenthood office.
“2:30 appointment for Kristen Thorne.” I said in a quiet voice.
The woman at the receptionist desk looked up my name on the computer she had short blonde hair up in a ponytail and was wearing a light pink polo shirt. “Ah ha, Kristen,” she replied, “I’ll need you to fill out these papers.”
I took the packet of papers from the blonde lady’s hands and took s seat on one of the cushioned chairs in the waiting area. Mandi took a seat next to me and started paging through a parenting magazine. There were long tables in front of both rows of chairs and smaller tables on the ends. Both of the long tables each had a basket of condoms in the middle of them with stacks of magazines on each side. A few magazines were scattered on the smaller tables as well. Two girls I recognized from school sat on the opposite end of our row of chairs. Across from us was a mother and daughter who looked about my age. I didn’t know her though, she probably went to South or one of the Christian schools. But, if she’s sexually active, I’m not sure if she’s all that religious. A few seats away from the mother and daughter is a younger woman, a little older than Mandi. She’s holding a baby boy in a blanket and has a daughter About Alex’s age whose playing with one of those maze toys with wooden beads lined up in different rows. I loved those things so much when I was little.
I glanced though the paperwork filling out the basics: name, age, social security number, sex, height, weight, and so on followed by a list medical background questions. The rest was a list of questions about sexual activity that asked how many partners I’d had in the last six months, if I’d had more than one sexual partner at once, if I used contraceptives, and if so what, and so on. It was so awkward answering these questions because although I was raped I still considered myself a virgin. I didn’t remember having sex, but I felt the effects afterwards. It doesn’t help that I’m pregnant either, and that I’ll be showing within a few months. I’d like to pretend none of this happened, but it’s almost inevitable. Whenever I try to forget about that night, the mystery guy I woke up to appears in my head, and once again I’m in a strange bed almost naked.
“Kristen Thorne,” a voice said “I’m ready to see you.”
I turned to see a woman about Mandi’s height with a small frame. She had straight dark brown hair that stopped at her chin and bangs swept to the side. She didn’t look much older than thirty. She wore a set of light pink scrubs with blue flowers on the top and held a wooden clip board.
“I’ll take those, by the way I‘m Kelsey,” she said pointing to the paperwork. I watched as she glanced over everything. “First I’ll take your height and weight, check your blood pressure and temperature, and check your iron. That’ll probably be the most painful, but it’s just a little prick on your finger. After that you’ll go into the exam room where Dr. Gabriel will see you.”
I felt relaxed as stalked me through the process but I still had to ask “Is Dr. Gabriel a woman?” I felt a little uncomfortable having a man examining the inside of my vagina.
“Don’t worry, Kirsten. She’s a woman. I don’t think any men work here.”
I sighed with relief but, I still had Mandi come into the exam room with me. I didn’t want to feel alone like I did shortly after the rape, and I trusted Mandi enough to go into the exam room with me.
“5’10 ½ inches,” Kelsey wrote down my height “And 117 lbs.”
Like most people I hated weighing myself, let alone allowing other people to weigh me. I’d grown another ½” since I last checked and I was still underweight.
“I hate you,” Mandi whispered as we followed Kelsey into the first exam room “You never gain weight, Kristen. Since I’ve known you, you’ve been anywhere between 115 and 117 lbs, while I still have 10 lbs of baby weight on me, and it’s been two years since Alex came out of the womb.”
“Mandi you’re not fat,” I said “I just have a fast metabolism. You can thank my mom for that.”
“I know that feeling. I‘m the same way.” Kelsey chimed in “You eat and eat, but no matter what you don’t gain a pound. It sucks.”
She brought us into a room where she checked my temperature and blood pressure. Both were normal. She looked though the paperwork once again and asked me a few questions.
“You said on here, you’re unsure about your 4th sexual partner, want to explain.”
I hesitated for a moment and finally said “I was drugged and raped. Most of what I know is word of mouth.” I could not believe I’d said that to Kelsey. She was a complete stranger, and my mom still didn’t know I was raped.
“And you believe you’re pregnant?” Kelsey asked
I nodded “The pink lines in the circle showed up almost immediately, so I doubt I’m not,” It took me a few days, but I was finally able to admit to myself that I was pregnant.
“We have a test that’s almost 100% accurate that we’ll have you take right before your pap.”
I nodded again as Kelsey asked me a few more questions. I continued to answer and nod.
“Kristen,” she said “You forgot to fill out the confidentiality information. We need to know what kind of envelope to mail your results in. You’ll be getting them in about two to three weeks.”
“whoops, sorry. A plain white envelope, probably. Also, I’m going to be moving to Abbottsford in less than two weeks so my address is going to be different than the one that was given.”
“Okay, I’ll just have you fill that out and I‘ll have you take our pregnancy test. I‘ll need you to pee in this cup. There‘s a metal door in the bathroom for you to put it in.”
“Okay,” I said taking the pee cup from her hand. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right now, but I had a feeling I’d have to go soon, so I brought the cup with me into the bathroom. I was right. Within a minute I had to pee. For the past few weeks I’d been running to the bathroom like mad. This test would probably end up positive as well. After I peed in the cup I opened the metal door and placed it in the box.
When I came out of the bathroom Kelsey walked me into Dr. Gabriel’s room.
“She’ll be in shortly. You’ll have to take all of your clothes off and lay on this bed. There’s a thin blanket to put over yourself. I’ll go let her know you’re in here.”
Kelsey walked out of the room and I began to undress. “Don’t worry, I won’t look.” Mandi said.
“I don’t care. My belief is if you don’t want to see a girl naked, don’t look. Just don’t try to look or grab.”
Mandi laughed, “You know I’m not like that. Besides it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before, but not on purpose.”
We always went to open swims at the high school or YMCA, so we’d both seen each other naked , but it wasn’t a big deal. Once my clothes were off I got on the bed and had Mandi throw the blanket onto me. Within a minute there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said. It was Dr. Gabriel.
She looked about forty with short, dark, brown hair in a French braid. She was medium height , and a little on the heavyset side. She wore a white coat over a light blue shirt and khaki pants.
“You must be Kristen,” she said looking at me. I managed to nod as she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. “I’m Dr. Gabriel as you might’ve known already.”
She put on a pair of rubber gloves. “Before I go through with your pap I’m going to examine your breasts for any unusual growths or discoloration.”
I pulled my arms in front of my chest. It’s not that I felt uncomfortable having someone touch my breast, but they were so sore I couldn’t even strand to touch them.
“It’s not going to hurt too much, is it?” I asked. “Because I might be pregnant and they’ve been really sensitive.”
“I’ll try not to go to hard,” she said walking over to me “We’ll have your results after we’re done in here. Just tell me if it hurts too much and I’ll stop.”
I nodded as she pulled the blanket off my chest. Her fingertips rubbed gently around my nipples.
“They are very tender,” she said “and they are a little swollen around the nipple.”
“Anything unusual?” I asked shuddering in pain.
“I can’t find anything, but I do believe you’re pregnant.”
“That’s good, nothing I didn’t know about already.”
Dr. Gabriel walked back over to the sing to grab some of her metal tools. “Now I’m going to look for any unusual growths around the genitals,” she used one of her devices to open my crotch. “I don’t see anything, but now to be sure I’m going to use my speculum to go inside and collect a sample. It might look scary, and it may be a little cold and uncomfortable, but I promise it’ll be painless.”
I looked over to Mandi while Dr. Gabriel stuck the device into my vagina. Mandi told me we still had to make another stop before we went home.
“Where?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” she replied.
“And we’re done,” Dr. Gabriel said as she put the speculum into a sanitary container and washed the tools and her hands. “I’ll be out in a moment, and you can change. Before you leave go back to the room where your iron was tested and we’ll have the results for your test. The results for you pap will be mailed to you in two to three weeks.”
“Alright, thank you,” I said as Dr. Gabriel walked out of the room. I threw on my bra and underwear and then my clothes, Mandi and I exited the room. We stopped in the room where my iron was taken. Kelsey was in there.
“Your iron is in normal range, but you are pregnant.”
“Just as I expected.” I replied in disappointment.
“Accidents do happen, and if you’re confused about your options you can always give us or the Planned Parenthood near you a call.”
“Thanks.” I said
“You’re welcome,” Kelsey replied “Have a great day.”
“You too.” I said as Mandi and I walked out the door.
“Where are we going?” I asked as Mandi and I got into Brad’s truck.
“I reported your rape to the police. I had to tell someone what happened. They want to talk to you at the station.”
“Mandi, you know Sheboygan cops are almost useless!”
“True, but they were the first person I could think of mentioning it to since you don’t want to say anything to your parents yet.”
“True, but honestly, the Sheboygan police?”
“I actually talked to one of the more intelligent ones on the phone, it’s a woman and she wants to speak to you. She told me she’d be in her office until four, and it’s almost 3:30 now, so we should get going.”
“Who was it?” I asked
“Officer Bonnie Smith, I think.”
I’d seen her around before, she had fair skin and blonde hair in a short boyish haircut. I knew of another sexual assault case she’d taken on when a girl in my grade had been sexually harassed online. I don’t remember what state he was from, but he sent her a seductive stalkerish letter, a pair of boxers, and a picture of his penis. She fought to get that guy locked up and succeeded.
“I’ve heard of her,” I replied “She got this guy who was harassing a girl at school locked up last year.”
“I heard about that too,” Mandi said as we walked into the police station.
Officer Smith was still in her office. She sat in a leather chair at her desk and Mandi and I sat in the two wooden chairs across from her.
“This is Kristen?” Officer smith asked pointing to me.
“Yes.” Mandi replied.
“Officer Bonnie Smith,” she said holding her hand out to mine. I held out y right hand to shake hers as well. “You want to tell me what happened on the night of June 13th?”
I bit my lip. I didn’t necessarily want to tell her what happened, but the words just rolled off my tongue. I told her about the alcohol, the pills on the table, the used condom in the trash, and waking up in just a t-shirt and necklace next to a guy I’ve never met before.
“Sounds like a cause of statutory rape,” said officer Smith “Was it just one person who raped you, or more than one?”
“Three or four?” I replied in quiet, squeaky voice.
“Do you know any names?” she asked.
“Jake Wilson, but I don’t know if he did anything with me, and Mario, I believe his last name is Fuentes? I don‘t know who the other two were, and there were ten other guys at the party, although I know two of them didn‘t lay a hand on me. They left to early cause Mandi‘s boyfriend picked them up. They had to work the next morning.”
“Who were the two that you know didn’t touch you?”
“Adam and Derek, Mandi do you know their last names?”
“Adam Lake and Derek Marcus.” Mandi replied
“Thank you, Mandi,” Officer Smith chimed in “Kristen, do you know who else was at the party?”
“I didn’t know anyone there besides Cassidy Winters and Kateena Wilson. She’s Jake Wilson’s little sister.”
Officer Smith asked if I knew how to reach Cassidy, Kateena, Jake, Derek, and Adam. Mandi gave her Adam and Derek’s phone numbers, and I gave her Jake’s address and Cassidy and Kateena’s cell phone numbers.
“Thanks,” Officer Smith said “I’ll try and get a hold of them.”
“Thank you so much!” Mandi replied “Kristen is like a little sister to me, and I won’t put up with anyone hurting her.”
“Well, we’ll make sure we find who all did this to her. There’s no DNA evidence since it’s been so long, but if for some reason you could find that condom it might be just the evidence we need. You, said you were pregnant as well, right Kristen?”
I nodded.
“Once the baby is born we can do a paternity test. If we find out who the baby’s father is we’ll be able to lock one of them up. Do you know of any other evidence we can get?”
“Jake’s bed smelled pretty funky, like he never washes his sheets or anything. There might still be stains on it.”
“Thanks, Kristen. I’ll stop over by Jake’s to collect evidence sometime this week. Here’s my number if you need to reach me. I’ll call you after I collect evidence from Jake’s.”
“Thanks,” I said “Here’s my cell phone number. I’m moving in two weeks so this is your best bet. I’m also not sure if I’m ready to tell my parents yet. They don’t know anything, but I pan on telling them before we move.”
“It’s fine, Kristen. This is totally confidential. I will talk to them when you are ready for me to talk to them.”
“Thank you,” I said as Mandi and I once again shook Officer Smith’s hand and left the station.
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