Innocent and Pure, Unlike Me Chapter Four

Chapter 4
The 16th at 2:30PM is the next available appointment they had at Planned Parenthood. Today is the 13th and we move on the 28th. That’s a relief. Mandi told me she’d drive me over there if I wasn’t ready to give my parents the news yet. I know at this moment I’m not ready. I can’t even tell them that there was alcohol at the party. All I told them was that I was going with Cassidy to Kateena’s house. But, I didn’t tell her what I was going to be doing there. It’s not like I can have an abortion either. The idea of having a life yanked outside of you just frightens me. I have less than three months before anything becomes obvious, so I’d have to tell them soon. That’s it. My goal is to tell them before we move. That gives me two weeks, but it’s not going to be easy. I realize that. Mandi had to do the same thing, except she was 17. I’m only 15.
This poem I dedicated to the jerk that put me in this awful situation.
PS: I hope your dick gets chopped off and fed to a thousand hungry dogs.

You’re name is unknown
And a face I can’t even paint in my head
A face out of many unrecognizebable
Invisible and unclear
Because of you my tears
Soak down to my bed sheets
Beyond the pillow
A pillow I turn to when I search for a name
A name for the father
Of my unborn child
Innocent and pure
Unlike me
Never been kissed
Unlike me
Absolutely perfect
Unlike me.

********

I walked over to Mandi’s first thing that afternoon. It is 12:30PM and today is the 16th. In two hours I would be entering the Planned Parenthood building for my appointment. I’d allow a complete stranger to stick a metal device inside of me. But, it’s better to be safe then to wake up to “crotch crickets” of some strange growth the next morning. I haven’t seen anything suspicious down there yet, but it’s best to be safe.
I told Mandi I was scared of having that metal thing up my crotch.
“It’s called a speculum, sweetie. Just think of it as a duck bill.”
“That doesn’t help much, they bite.” I said
“But crabs pinch!” she replied
“That’s not funny.” I said giving her a snotty look.
“Relax Kristen. It’s not that bad, I’ve had a pap test done twice already.”
“I know, Mandi. I just don’t like the idea of being poked around up there with a metal rod. It makes me wonder how much worse those devices they use for abortions are.”
“You’re not getting an abortion, are you, Kristen?” Mandi was in the bathroom applying some black eyeliner.
“Hell no,” I said “It’s bad enough I’m getting a pap test done.”
“That’s good,” said Mandi “Even if the father was an asshole there’s still a life inside of you. But, have you decided whether you’re going to keep or put the baby up for adoption?”
I pondered for a moment. “I might sound crazy, and it’s not going to be easy, but I think I’m going to keep the baby. It’s still a part of me after all.”
“You don’t sound crazy at all, Kristen. But, you better get a job besides babysitting cause having a kid of your own isn’t cheap.”
“I know. I turn sixteen in October and I’m going to look for something then.”
“Good. Cause $50 a week from babysitting is going to barely keep the kid in diapers. You’d be surprised how many diapers your kid’s gonna go through.”
“I don’t even want to think about it,” I said. Brad was on his knees following Alex down the hall.
“I’m taking Alex to his swim lessons, and we’re going to run a few errands afterwards.” Said Brad.
“That works,” Mandi replied “I have to take Kristen to her appointment this afternoon. You can take my car, just make sure Alex’s car seat is belted in.” Mandi tossed her keys to Brad.
“Thanks honey,” he said as he handed Alex the keys to the truck “Go give those to mommy and hug her goodbye.”
Alex hobbled over to his mom and I “Why thank you Alex,” Mandi said as the little boy wrapped his arms around her. “Goodbye, have a good time with daddy.”
“Bye mommy, bye Kristen.” He ran up and hugged me as well.
“Bye you guys,” I replied “Have a good time at swimming lessons, Alex!” Brad scooped up Alex who was waving goodbye to us and walked out to the car with him.
“Guess we should get going soon.” Said Mandi. I looked at the clock on her microwave. It was shortly after two.
I nodded. Mandi finished brushing her hair and pulling it back into a high ponytail. She was wearing a pair of ripped jeans, a Slipknot shirt and a pair of black flip-flop sandals. She took Brad’s keys out of her pocket, grabbed her purse and we strolled out the front door and buckled into the green pick up truck.
“Don’t be so tense, Kristen. It’s going to be fine.” Mandi started the truck and shifted into reverse.
“I know, but I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. I’m not the girl in school you’d expect that to happen to.”
“I was the same way when I was younger, Kristen. When I was thirteen I told myself that I’d wait until my wedding night to have sex. But, guess what?”
“You met Brad.”
“That’s right. I met Brad in 8th grade. He was friends with Jake who was Angie Winters’ boyfriend at the time. That was before Angie started partying.”
“You guys didn’t date till your sophomore year, did you?”
“We were only friends in middle school. Then Angie invited me to one of Jake’s parties because Brad was there. Brad didn’t drink and neither did I, so for the first two years we dated we were able to get by drinking only soda, and once the two of us started driving we’d take everyone home.”
“Sounds like it worked out pretty well. I wish I was able to avoid the drinking, but I was the only one there who didn’t drink. It was tough.”
“It’s fine Kristen. The two of us reached our breaking point about three years ago, and that was the last of Jake’s parties I went to. Brad and I both got drunk for the first time, and things got pretty hot. We didn’t use any condoms, and well you know the rest.”
“Alex was conceived.”
“Yup,” Mandi said, “First time having sex too, and I was still sober enough for it to hurt!”
“Damn. I didn’t feel anything till the next morning.” I replied. We were turning into the Planned Parenthood parking lot.
“But you were probably drugged. I don’t know what it was, but like you said someone probably spiked your drink.” Mandi turned into a parking space and parked the truck.
“I did see some blue pills with dolphins on the night table next to the bed I woke up in.”
“Ecstasy,” Mandi said, “well, a form of it.”
“You mean the date rape drug?” I asked.
“Exactly,” Mandi replied “And it’s probably why you didn’t feel anything.”
“Shit.” I said
“Angie started dealing that stuff when we were sophomores. I think Cassidy deals it too.”
“I had a feeling she did. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
“You’re too much of a good kid to get involved with those people, and you can be pretty naïve. But, let’s go in and make sure you don’t have anything nasty.”
“I hope not. I don’t want things crawling around down there or growths that make it burn when you pee.”
The two of us walked up to the receptionist desk in the Planned Parenthood office.
“2:30 appointment for Kristen Thorne.” I said in a quiet voice.
The woman at the receptionist desk looked up my name on the computer she had short blonde hair up in a ponytail and was wearing a light pink polo shirt. “Ah ha, Kristen,” she replied, “I’ll need you to fill out these papers.”
I took the packet of papers from the blonde lady’s hands and took s seat on one of the cushioned chairs in the waiting area. Mandi took a seat next to me and started paging through a parenting magazine. There were long tables in front of both rows of chairs and smaller tables on the ends. Both of the long tables each had a basket of condoms in the middle of them with stacks of magazines on each side. A few magazines were scattered on the smaller tables as well. Two girls I recognized from school sat on the opposite end of our row of chairs. Across from us was a mother and daughter who looked about my age. I didn’t know her though, she probably went to South or one of the Christian schools. But, if she’s sexually active, I’m not sure if she’s all that religious. A few seats away from the mother and daughter is a younger woman, a little older than Mandi. She’s holding a baby boy in a blanket and has a daughter About Alex’s age whose playing with one of those maze toys with wooden beads lined up in different rows. I loved those things so much when I was little.
I glanced though the paperwork filling out the basics: name, age, social security number, sex, height, weight, and so on followed by a list medical background questions. The rest was a list of questions about sexual activity that asked how many partners I’d had in the last six months, if I’d had more than one sexual partner at once, if I used contraceptives, and if so what, and so on. It was so awkward answering these questions because although I was raped I still considered myself a virgin. I didn’t remember having sex, but I felt the effects afterwards. It doesn’t help that I’m pregnant either, and that I’ll be showing within a few months. I’d like to pretend none of this happened, but it’s almost inevitable. Whenever I try to forget about that night, the mystery guy I woke up to appears in my head, and once again I’m in a strange bed almost naked.
“Kristen Thorne,” a voice said “I’m ready to see you.”
I turned to see a woman about Mandi’s height with a small frame. She had straight dark brown hair that stopped at her chin and bangs swept to the side. She didn’t look much older than thirty. She wore a set of light pink scrubs with blue flowers on the top and held a wooden clip board.
“I’ll take those, by the way I‘m Kelsey,” she said pointing to the paperwork. I watched as she glanced over everything. “First I’ll take your height and weight, check your blood pressure and temperature, and check your iron. That’ll probably be the most painful, but it’s just a little prick on your finger. After that you’ll go into the exam room where Dr. Gabriel will see you.”
I felt relaxed as stalked me through the process but I still had to ask “Is Dr. Gabriel a woman?” I felt a little uncomfortable having a man examining the inside of my vagina.
“Don’t worry, Kirsten. She’s a woman. I don’t think any men work here.”
I sighed with relief but, I still had Mandi come into the exam room with me. I didn’t want to feel alone like I did shortly after the rape, and I trusted Mandi enough to go into the exam room with me.
“5’10 ½ inches,” Kelsey wrote down my height “And 117 lbs.”
Like most people I hated weighing myself, let alone allowing other people to weigh me. I’d grown another ½” since I last checked and I was still underweight.
“I hate you,” Mandi whispered as we followed Kelsey into the first exam room “You never gain weight, Kristen. Since I’ve known you, you’ve been anywhere between 115 and 117 lbs, while I still have 10 lbs of baby weight on me, and it’s been two years since Alex came out of the womb.”
“Mandi you’re not fat,” I said “I just have a fast metabolism. You can thank my mom for that.”
“I know that feeling. I‘m the same way.” Kelsey chimed in “You eat and eat, but no matter what you don’t gain a pound. It sucks.”
She brought us into a room where she checked my temperature and blood pressure. Both were normal. She looked though the paperwork once again and asked me a few questions.
“You said on here, you’re unsure about your 4th sexual partner, want to explain.”
I hesitated for a moment and finally said “I was drugged and raped. Most of what I know is word of mouth.” I could not believe I’d said that to Kelsey. She was a complete stranger, and my mom still didn’t know I was raped.
“And you believe you’re pregnant?” Kelsey asked
I nodded “The pink lines in the circle showed up almost immediately, so I doubt I’m not,” It took me a few days, but I was finally able to admit to myself that I was pregnant.
“We have a test that’s almost 100% accurate that we’ll have you take right before your pap.”
I nodded again as Kelsey asked me a few more questions. I continued to answer and nod.
“Kristen,” she said “You forgot to fill out the confidentiality information. We need to know what kind of envelope to mail your results in. You’ll be getting them in about two to three weeks.”
“whoops, sorry. A plain white envelope, probably. Also, I’m going to be moving to Abbottsford in less than two weeks so my address is going to be different than the one that was given.”
“Okay, I’ll just have you fill that out and I‘ll have you take our pregnancy test. I‘ll need you to pee in this cup. There‘s a metal door in the bathroom for you to put it in.”
“Okay,” I said taking the pee cup from her hand. I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right now, but I had a feeling I’d have to go soon, so I brought the cup with me into the bathroom. I was right. Within a minute I had to pee. For the past few weeks I’d been running to the bathroom like mad. This test would probably end up positive as well. After I peed in the cup I opened the metal door and placed it in the box.
When I came out of the bathroom Kelsey walked me into Dr. Gabriel’s room.
“She’ll be in shortly. You’ll have to take all of your clothes off and lay on this bed. There’s a thin blanket to put over yourself. I’ll go let her know you’re in here.”
Kelsey walked out of the room and I began to undress. “Don’t worry, I won’t look.” Mandi said.
“I don’t care. My belief is if you don’t want to see a girl naked, don’t look. Just don’t try to look or grab.”
Mandi laughed, “You know I’m not like that. Besides it’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before, but not on purpose.”
We always went to open swims at the high school or YMCA, so we’d both seen each other naked , but it wasn’t a big deal. Once my clothes were off I got on the bed and had Mandi throw the blanket onto me. Within a minute there was a knock on the door.
“Come in.” I said. It was Dr. Gabriel.
She looked about forty with short, dark, brown hair in a French braid. She was medium height , and a little on the heavyset side. She wore a white coat over a light blue shirt and khaki pants.
“You must be Kristen,” she said looking at me. I managed to nod as she walked over to the sink to wash her hands. “I’m Dr. Gabriel as you might’ve known already.”
She put on a pair of rubber gloves. “Before I go through with your pap I’m going to examine your breasts for any unusual growths or discoloration.”
I pulled my arms in front of my chest. It’s not that I felt uncomfortable having someone touch my breast, but they were so sore I couldn’t even strand to touch them.

“It’s not going to hurt too much, is it?” I asked. “Because I might be pregnant and they’ve been really sensitive.”
“I’ll try not to go to hard,” she said walking over to me “We’ll have your results after we’re done in here. Just tell me if it hurts too much and I’ll stop.”
I nodded as she pulled the blanket off my chest. Her fingertips rubbed gently around my nipples.
“They are very tender,” she said “and they are a little swollen around the nipple.”
“Anything unusual?” I asked shuddering in pain.
“I can’t find anything, but I do believe you’re pregnant.”
“That’s good, nothing I didn’t know about already.”
Dr. Gabriel walked back over to the sing to grab some of her metal tools. “Now I’m going to look for any unusual growths around the genitals,” she used one of her devices to open my crotch. “I don’t see anything, but now to be sure I’m going to use my speculum to go inside and collect a sample. It might look scary, and it may be a little cold and uncomfortable, but I promise it’ll be painless.”
I looked over to Mandi while Dr. Gabriel stuck the device into my vagina. Mandi told me we still had to make another stop before we went home.
“Where?” I asked.
“You’ll see.” she replied.
“And we’re done,” Dr. Gabriel said as she put the speculum into a sanitary container and washed the tools and her hands. “I’ll be out in a moment, and you can change. Before you leave go back to the room where your iron was tested and we’ll have the results for your test. The results for you pap will be mailed to you in two to three weeks.”
“Alright, thank you,” I said as Dr. Gabriel walked out of the room. I threw on my bra and underwear and then my clothes, Mandi and I exited the room. We stopped in the room where my iron was taken. Kelsey was in there.
“Your iron is in normal range, but you are pregnant.”
“Just as I expected.” I replied in disappointment.
“Accidents do happen, and if you’re confused about your options you can always give us or the Planned Parenthood near you a call.”
“Thanks.” I said
“You’re welcome,” Kelsey replied “Have a great day.”
“You too.” I said as Mandi and I walked out the door.
“Where are we going?” I asked as Mandi and I got into Brad’s truck.
“I reported your rape to the police. I had to tell someone what happened. They want to talk to you at the station.”
“Mandi, you know Sheboygan cops are almost useless!”
“True, but they were the first person I could think of mentioning it to since you don’t want to say anything to your parents yet.”
“True, but honestly, the Sheboygan police?”
“I actually talked to one of the more intelligent ones on the phone, it’s a woman and she wants to speak to you. She told me she’d be in her office until four, and it’s almost 3:30 now, so we should get going.”
“Who was it?” I asked
“Officer Bonnie Smith, I think.”
I’d seen her around before, she had fair skin and blonde hair in a short boyish haircut. I knew of another sexual assault case she’d taken on when a girl in my grade had been sexually harassed online. I don’t remember what state he was from, but he sent her a seductive stalkerish letter, a pair of boxers, and a picture of his penis. She fought to get that guy locked up and succeeded.
“I’ve heard of her,” I replied “She got this guy who was harassing a girl at school locked up last year.”
“I heard about that too,” Mandi said as we walked into the police station.
Officer Smith was still in her office. She sat in a leather chair at her desk and Mandi and I sat in the two wooden chairs across from her.
“This is Kristen?” Officer smith asked pointing to me.
“Yes.” Mandi replied.
“Officer Bonnie Smith,” she said holding her hand out to mine. I held out y right hand to shake hers as well. “You want to tell me what happened on the night of June 13th?”
I bit my lip. I didn’t necessarily want to tell her what happened, but the words just rolled off my tongue. I told her about the alcohol, the pills on the table, the used condom in the trash, and waking up in just a t-shirt and necklace next to a guy I’ve never met before.
“Sounds like a cause of statutory rape,” said officer Smith “Was it just one person who raped you, or more than one?”
“Three or four?” I replied in quiet, squeaky voice.
“Do you know any names?” she asked.
“Jake Wilson, but I don’t know if he did anything with me, and Mario, I believe his last name is Fuentes? I don‘t know who the other two were, and there were ten other guys at the party, although I know two of them didn‘t lay a hand on me. They left to early cause Mandi‘s boyfriend picked them up. They had to work the next morning.”
“Who were the two that you know didn’t touch you?”
“Adam and Derek, Mandi do you know their last names?”
“Adam Lake and Derek Marcus.” Mandi replied
“Thank you, Mandi,” Officer Smith chimed in “Kristen, do you know who else was at the party?”
“I didn’t know anyone there besides Cassidy Winters and Kateena Wilson. She’s Jake Wilson’s little sister.”
Officer Smith asked if I knew how to reach Cassidy, Kateena, Jake, Derek, and Adam. Mandi gave her Adam and Derek’s phone numbers, and I gave her Jake’s address and Cassidy and Kateena’s cell phone numbers.
“Thanks,” Officer Smith said “I’ll try and get a hold of them.”
“Thank you so much!” Mandi replied “Kristen is like a little sister to me, and I won’t put up with anyone hurting her.”
“Well, we’ll make sure we find who all did this to her. There’s no DNA evidence since it’s been so long, but if for some reason you could find that condom it might be just the evidence we need. You, said you were pregnant as well, right Kristen?”
I nodded.
“Once the baby is born we can do a paternity test. If we find out who the baby’s father is we’ll be able to lock one of them up. Do you know of any other evidence we can get?”
“Jake’s bed smelled pretty funky, like he never washes his sheets or anything. There might still be stains on it.”
“Thanks, Kristen. I’ll stop over by Jake’s to collect evidence sometime this week. Here’s my number if you need to reach me. I’ll call you after I collect evidence from Jake’s.”
“Thanks,” I said “Here’s my cell phone number. I’m moving in two weeks so this is your best bet. I’m also not sure if I’m ready to tell my parents yet. They don’t know anything, but I pan on telling them before we move.”
“It’s fine, Kristen. This is totally confidential. I will talk to them when you are ready for me to talk to them.”
“Thank you,” I said as Mandi and I once again shook Officer Smith’s hand and left the station.